I pretty much know all the sex moves and have used many of them on real, live women.

There’s a perception among sex columnists like Elizabeth Hames that young people are sexually inexperienced and therefore need to be “open” and “communicative” in order to enjoy themselves in the bedroom.

What nonsense!

This sort of “people should communicate more” tripe is hardly new from the sex advice-industrial complex. After all, those column inches don’t fill themselves. Big-shot writers like Hames, living in exotic cities like “Vancouver,” need to keep telling us that we don’t know what we’re doing in the sack in order to justify their six-figure salaries and their gold-plated yachts. But the hard truth is that there’s absolutely no need to talk to your partner about her likes and dislikes if you already know everything there is to know about sex — like I do!

Now, I don’t want this to come off as hubris. There are probably plenty of virgins (read: losers) out there who couldn’t sex their way out of a wet paper bag, but it should be obvious by my confident tone that I am not one of them. Nope. I pretty much know all the sex moves and have used many of them on real, live women. So don’t tell me to talk to my partner, Ms. Hames, because there’s nothing she could tell me that I don’t already know. (For the sake of this article, assume everything applies equally to men. I mean, I’m not gay but I’d probably be great at that too.)

According to Statistics Canada figures, most people don’t lose their virginities until their undergrads, which would imply that college students are still figuring things out while in college. This is supposed to convince us to talk to our sexual partners and to “be specific” about what we want.

Yeah, OK.

But what if you’re a Level 17 Fucklord by the time you’re old enough to drive? I already know what the ladies want, and the only statistics I need are the many notches on my belt. Yup, there’s probably like eight notches there — unless that doesn’t sound like a lot. In that case, just double it times five.

Whatever, I don’t need to be good with numbers because I’m always knee-deep in sex-having. Sorry if that offends you, but that’s just me. I’m super offensive because I’m super cool, which is probably related to me having so much sex all the time.

If being offensive about sex is a crime, then I guess you can put me on some kind of “sex offenders” list. It would probably just get me laid even more (if that’s even possible).

So anyway, I felt compelled to write a column to try to counter some of the dangerous claims being run in the Sheaf.

1. I have definitely had sex.
2. I’m good at it.
3. Don’t believe anything you read about me on the Internet, because that’s just written by cyber bullies who are mad at my good sex skills.

I hope this has cleared some things up. I have to get back to my threesome now, which is a sex thing you probably haven’t heard of.

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Illustration: Samantha Braun/The Sheaf