Horoscopes – October 2017

By in Opinions

Aries: Your social media persona should not be confused with your real personality — be wary of false validation this month and completely scrub your presence from the online world.

Taurus: The stars hope you feel bad for whatever harm you’ve done.

Gemini: Have you ever worn a skort, Gemini? You’re witty, fun, and most of all, versatile — just like the fashion-forward innovation of the skort. Harness your unexpected power!

Cancer: You’re in control of your love life this month, so plan a nice date to the Forestry Farm. Who will you court? The first person you see after your next poop on campus.

Leo: It’s definitely time to join a pyramid scheme.

Virgo: Fortune frowns on you this month — avoid making any big investments and stop treating yourself with elaborate gifts. You won’t find happiness in that big ol’ bag of snacks, and you know it.

Libra: Take a walk on the wild side this week, and don’t check your bank statements.

Scorpio: It’s almost Scorpio season, and you’ve been feeling restless. On Oct. 23, make a list of all the things you don’t like about yourself and throw it into the river — if the moon hits the water just right, those demons might finally drown.

Sagittarius: If there was a time to experiment with soft drugs, this is likely not it. Focus on your midterms — your penchant to procrastinate isn’t helping you accomplish your dreams.

Capricorn: Take five minutes this month to appreciate the people who support you — Capricorns tend to be self-involved.

Aquarius: You’ve been a pack leader up until now, Aquarius, but it’s almost time for you to relinquish control of your friend group, so that everyone can get their assignments done on time. Being social in the library isn’t doing anyone any favours.

Pisces: You’re a water sign, so drink lots of it — it’s good for your skin and health.

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  • Ophiuchus

    This is embarrassing. I understand that your editor told you to do this to increase readership, but it’s still sad.