On Jan. 20, the United States will inaugurate a used diaper to the office of president. This impending doom is speculated to mean a boom in Canadian immigration — especially among students — so I’d like to share some less-offered local wisdom to any future American-Saskatonians.
10. Saskatoon is not “exotic:” despite what the wonderful team at Vogue said in November 2016, Saskatoon is not an obscure or exotic place. Apart from being a pretty problematic description, I don’t even really understand what “vaguely exotic” is supposed to mean. We listen to Frank Ocean and have an Old Navy and everything — what’s exotic about that?
9. Canadians are not nice: it’s also important to dispel the harmful rumour that Saskatonians and all other Canadians are nice people. By and large, we’re very polite, but that doesn’t apply to all of us, and politeness and niceness do not go hand in hand — my coworkers and I are living proof. If you move to Saskatoon expecting that people will be kind to you, you’ll be in for a rude awakening as soon as you start dealing with SaskTel, so temper your expectations now.
8. You should absolutely never talk about the weather: it’s a cold city in a cold country and we’ve got no patience for anyone from anywhere else bringing it up like we’ve never noticed before. This kind of subject matter is only the topic of acceptable conversation if the weather is worse in British Columbia that day.
7. You’re under no obligation to find any CBC TV shows funny: apart from a begrudging admiration for national “treasure” Red Green and his delightful duct-taped ways, there is absolutely no mandate that anyone in Saskatoon has to relate to or enjoy shows like This Hour Has 22 Minutes. The CBC is an invaluable public resource in all other regards, but it’s important for future Saskatonians to know their rights against Shaun Majumder.
6. All-dressed chips aren’t good, but you’ll grow to accept them: this is a controversial but necessary truth to share. True to their name, all-dressed chips taste of all things under the yellow sun and they can be overwhelming. I might suggest you try eating them in the dark for the first couple times to avoid sensory overload, but you’ll come around eventually. We all do.
5. We have some kind of unearned superiority complex over Regina: that just about sums it up. Saskatoon is only slightly larger and doesn’t have a Burger Baron so I’m not entirely sure where our overconfidence comes from, but in any event, fuck Regina.
4. Lacrosse is huge here right now: time will have to tell on this one, but like a 15-year-old in the midst of their Sublime phase, Saskatoon is just really into lacrosse right now. While this recent infatuation likely won’t last forever, lacrosse will likely stay a big deal for the next four years, and that’s the only timeframe we really have to worry about.
3. Milk doesn’t come in bags: this one requires some qualifying, as milk does come in bags in eastern Canada and I’ve seen it with my own eyes. That said, I find the whole concept to be utterly revolting and I will spare no time in denouncing it. In Saskatoon, milk has edges, damn it, and we like it that way.
2. We don’t have Flamin’ Hot Cheetos: I’m sorry if this is a deal-breaker for Americans but it’s important to be forthright about this sort of thing. To my knowledge, if you want to enjoy the robust zest of cheese and jalapenos, you’ll have to stay in the country with the Cheeto in charge.
1. Bunnyhug is a dumb name — get over it: look, we’re not idiots out here. We get that bunnyhug is a stupid name for a sweater. If we had a chance to do it all again I’m sure we would have but we’ve committed to this and we have to stick to our guns. Please, give us a break and stop making fun.
Zach Tennent / Opinions Editor
Graphic: Lesia Karalash / Graphics Editor