Fake News: Quaker Oats purchases the Sheaf

MEMORIAL UNION BUILDING — In what can only be described as a historic moment, PepsiCo officially announced on Jan. 9 that it is the new parent company of the Sheaf through its subsidiary company of Quaker Oats.

“I’m very excited to see what this change of ownership will entail,” editor-in-chief Mia Lasser told the Sheaf. “We’re all longtime fans of popular and beloved Quaker Oats products like Cap’n Crunch, Quaker Instant Oatmeal and Rice-A-Roni, so this sale just seemed intuitive.”

Even students are getting on board. Upon being given free samples of Amp Energy, Mountain Dew Voltage and Rold Gold Pretzels, many on the University of Saskatchewan campus reacted positively to the fact that Quaker Oats and their wonderful parent company of PepsiCo now own the Sheaf.

“I could probably get used to this,” third-year studio art major Spencer Dirks said. “I’ve never read the paper before, but who’s going to complain about free Mountain Dew?”

While neither PepsiCo nor its subsidiary Quaker Oats was available for comment, Lasser assures that the change of ownership will not affect the content of the paper.

“It’s preposterous to suggest that this will lead to bias,” Lasser said. “This isn’t like when The Coca-Cola Company and their subsidiary Nestlé purchased that student paper in Ontario. I assure you we’ve still got that same sense of journalistic integrity that you fondly remember growing up with.”