MICHAEL MACLEOD

Oh hi, doggy!

Every once in awhile a film will come along and change how movies are viewed. The Room is one of those films.

A brilliant example of how not to make a movie, The Room combines horrible acting, a dull soundtrack, incomprehensible editing, hack writing and directing that makes Uwe Boll look like Martin Scorsese.

Why is it still being shown in theatres if it is so bad, you ask?

Watchability.

Audiences across North America sit enthralled as this disaster of a film plays out before them, and man is it fun.

Like a burning cruise liner filled with clowns about to hit an iceberg filled with TNT, you can’t look away from this nightmare once it starts. A viewing of The Room is not your typical night out at the movies. It is more like a midnight screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show than a megaplex film. In this interactive experience the audience revels in the incompetence and awfulness on display.

And much like the Rocky Horror classic, The Room has its own little traditions that are easy to follow and genuinely fun.

Viewings of The Room require audience members to show up with a few props and a fun attitude. Bring a healthy disregard for the film and either a metric fuck-tonne of plastic spoons or a football.

The plastic spoons are a tool used to make fun of the film’s use of framed pictures of spoons to decorate sets. When one of these pictures is visible, feel free to throw your spoons at the screen while yelling, “Spoons!” at the top of your lungs. All rows in the theatre can do this, as plastic spoons, while they don’t always fly well, won’t cause too much damage if you accidently wing one at the back of the person’s head in front of you.

Another tradition audiences take part in is cheering during shots of the Golden Gate Bridge. The Room repeatedly uses stock footage of San Francisco to remind the audience where the movie takes place. One of these stock images is a tracking shot of the bridge that moves from one end to the other. After the first shot of the bridge, it is customary for the audience to cheer on the camera and encourage it to reach the end of the bridge.

One thing to watch out for is the camera shifting out of focus. Every time this happens, yell, “Focus!” And feel free to curse the director of photography, Todd Barron, when his name pops up during the credits.

Sometimes, though, when the shots are in focus but the scenes are particularly agonizing to sit through  — say during one of the many unnecessarily long, boring love scenes that seem to never end — The Room would actually be more enjoyable to watch if the shots were blurry. When this happens, yell, “Unfocus!” lest your eyes melt out of your skull.

These are also good opportunities to visit the lobby, stretch, go to the bathroom, anything other than watch what is on screen for the next ten minutes.

One of the most important traditions related to The Room is playing catch. Throughout the film various characters are shown tossing a football around while having personal or philosophical discussions, as if it was the basis for some kind of cult. Feel free to engage in this activity whenever it appears on screen. Who knows? Maybe you too will achieve enlightenment.

There are many more small traditions and activities associated with this film that you can research if you feel so inclined. This article is just a very basic primer.

Screenings of The Room are unforgettable and some of the best times one can have at a theatre. Just please, never try the scotchka (scotch and vodka) mixed in the film: it tastes bad and encourages outrageous behavior.

The Roxy Theatre is screening The Room Feb. 15 at midnight.

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Photo: Supplied