Is there any substance on this earth more perfect than eggnog? The answer is no — but we all know this already. Right from the beginning of the holiday season, this delectable substance becomes available on the shelves of any half-decent grocery store. 

There is an issue, however. The discerning eggnog enthusiast, known occasionally as a “noghead,” will face the same dilemma every year: which eggnog to buy? Some have their favourites already, others are willing to buy anything labelled nog, others still are willing only to drink nog they themselves have concocted. 

Regardless of your stance, the following review should put the debate to rest. 

Today I shall review some of the most common store-buyable nogs. Six eggnogs enter, only one can win. Please note that I will not review any non-dairy eggnogs as these are not real eggnog. Don’t @ me.

The Modern Nogs (Dairyland Original Eggnog vs. Beatrice Premium Eggnog)

For the first category, we’re looking at Modern Nogs. These are nogs that are probably more water than dairy and have ingredients like “disodium phosphate” and “modified milk ingredients.” They were probably brewed in a lab but I’ll be damned if they don’t taste good.

Dairyland Original Eggnog is a personal favourite, it’s the default eggnog as far as this eggnog puritan is concerned.

This Dairyland staple has a nice consistency — buttery with a hint of rum flavour, although its nutmeg profile is somewhat lacking. Overall, I would recommend Dairyland Original Eggnog to the average eggnog user. It’s especially good for beginners.

Beatrice Premium Eggnog is not too dissimilar from Dairyland Original. It has a slightly stronger nutmeg taste, but this does not compensate for what I find to be a general lack of quality in most Beatrice dairy products. Beatrice Premium is better than no eggnog at all, but not as good as Dairyland.

Winner of Modern Nogs is — Dairyland Original Eggnog!

The Traditional Nogs (Dairyland Classic Eggnog vs. Lucerne Holiday Eggnog)

Traditional Nogs more closely resemble the nogs of old, although they are sure to still contain some more modern food science innovations.

Dairyland Classic Eggnog is essentially Dairyland Original Eggnog but with more actual dairy. It tastes much like its cousin, although the added creaminess is immediately apparent.

Lucerne Eggnog is a fine example of a proper traditional nog. There is a strong nutmeg profile and a beautiful creaminess which is why it beats out Dairyland’s entry.

Lucerne Holiday Eggnog takes the cake in this traditional nog-off!

Flavoured Nogs (President’s Choice Rich & Creamy Chocolate Eggnog vs. President’s Choice Rich & Creamy Candy Cane Eggnog)

Flavoured nogs are an abomination — for the most part, at least.

President’s Choice Rich & Creamy Chocolate Eggnog is the worst liquid I’ve ever willingly ingested. It tastes nothing of eggnog. It is essentially chocolate milk with a hint of cinnamon.

The PC Rich & Creamy Candy Cane Eggnog is an interesting take on eggnog — and it’s certainly better than their chocolate garbage.

PC Rich & Creamy Candy Cane Eggnog trumps the Flavoured Nog round!

At the end of the day, everyone has different preferences and will have to test the waters to find their one true nog.

In my books, however, the ultimate winner is Lucerne’s Holiday Eggnog. Dairyland’s Original Eggnog is still great, but I prefer a traditional nog and Lucerne really delivered with a creamy, nutmeg-ey, and well-rounded eggnog.

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Kienan Ashton

Graphic: Kienan Ashton