Aries: March 21 – April 20

Only the fire of your anger will melt this ice apocalypse.

Taurus: April 21 – May 20

Break the bones of your enemies as a sacrifice to usher in spring.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Recruit a doppelganger for the month with an offering of cherry blossoms. Just remember whose reflection is staring back at you when you peer into the bathroom mirror in Murray Library.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

Resign yourself to your fate. Your cells have revolted against apoptosis. You are now immortalized. Vive la révolution!

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

You sweet summer child.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

The wind of spring will blow through the Bowl to gently kiss your ear lobe.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

The scales will never be balanced. They demand a blood sacrifice.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

In disguises no one knows, the campus is pulled towards your deep gravitational influence. Black hole sun, won’t you come?

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

No one invites centaurs to Spring Fling, you freak.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Wouldst thou like the taste of butter? A pretty dress? Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

They say the Pacific has no memory. Beware the siren song of homeopathy.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

“Hypoxia, or oxygen depletion, is an environmental phenomenon where the concentration of dissolved oxygen in the water column decreases to a level that can no longer support living aquatic organisms.”