SAMUEL RAFUSE

Majoring in Klingon or theoretical gymnastics might seem like a good idea at first, but at some point the prospect of adult responsibility leaves you wondering how you’re going to make a living before you die.

Congratulations, you’re getting a B.A. in B.S. Since starting your degree, you are older, smarter and most of all, poorer. You need to eat sometime. The world used to look like your Fight Club, but now it looks like your American nightmare.

Take a breath — relax. You have been training for this. The first thing to do is realize that all knowledge is at least 50 per cent B.S.

There are only two kinds of degrees — a general degree where you learn less and less about more and more until you know nothing about everything, and a specific degree where you learn more and more about less and less until you know everything about nothing. Now, give yourself a break, make a strong cup of coffee and get out the brainstorming pad.

The second thing to do is list all your skills. Are you good with your hands? Sell macramé on etsy.com. Is interpretive dance more your thing? Start teaching some moves to couples who are looking to reignite their sex lives. The jobs aren’t out there, they’re inside of you, waiting to get out.

Third, stop following your passion. This so-called “advice” is just insecure narcissism masquerading as motivation. You don’t follow passion, passion follows you.

Like confidence, the secret isn’t feeling it — it’s projecting and convincing other people you have “it,” whatever it is. You thought you had it and that’s why you got into college in the first place, so start owning it and others will start to believe you.

If you have a list of things you are passably good at and a collection of prerequisite classes under your belt, it might be time to consider switching majors, but don’t do so on impulse.

You need to make better decisions. Head over to Google and find some career path quizzes. Embrace the Tumblr mode of identity. Are you a Ross or a Phoebe from Friends? Both of them found success by utilizing their quirkiness and you can do the same.

Unfortunately, the alternative might be true, in which case it’s time to get a real job. College doesn’t last forever. Not everybody dies a hero. Hobbies are sexy, but they don’t make any money and even if you have the former, you need the cash.

Find some business classes to try out. Learn about microbiology. Specialize in criminal behaviour with regards to the legal system. Getting a respectable job isn’t selling out — it’s respectable. Learn something pragmatic and marketable, and hiring managers will like you. It is okay to live for the weekend.

The most sobering yet freeing life lesson you learn in university is that you are responsible for your decisions. There is no one to bail you out if you make mistakes. Mistakes turn into stories over time and stories lend you credibility.

It’s important to always be moving forward. A person who never moves forward is just a dead shark in the rat race. Or a dead rat in the shark tank. Pick your metaphor, like picking a better major.

It’ll all work out in the end and if it doesn’t, well, at least you can call yourself an expert and frame your B.S. on the wall.

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Image: Jeremy Britz / Graphics Editor