MEGAN FEDORCHUCK

As a first-year residence survivor, I feel as though I have acquired certain wisdom regarding the disgustingly glorious halls of Voyageur Place. I have witnessed several offences of the first-year nature and must shed light on these memories. Welcome and enjoy the do’s and don’ts of first-year university: residence edition.

Please do go to class, but don’t forget your slippers. This is a privilege granted only to students residing in Voyageur Place that is just begging to be abused. As you may or may not have discovered, approximately 83 per cent of campus can be reached via tunnel.

Do attend res parties. For those unacquainted, res parties are a social gathering of close to 80 first year students crammed into a teeny-tiny dorm room. Add alcohol and what do you get? A res party! Oh, and sweat — lots and lots of sweat.

But don’t host res parties. Would you really want a sweaty party in your room? Unless you are prepared to clean up a total disaster, I advise you to reconsider. Bed frames will get bent and you will pay to repair them.

At these parties, do keep an eye on your alcoholic beverage. Better yet, keep a hand on it. But don’t leave any dorm room with an alcoholic beverage in hand. Residence advisors are harder, better, faster and stronger than your sneaky, drunk self.

Let’s not forget to maintain hygiene. Remember those slippers I advised you to wear? They are not invisibility slippers. People can both see and smell you, especially when you roll out of bed at the crack-of-noon to show up late for class. So please, hit the showers.

When you do finally slink into the bathroom to scrub yourself clean, don’t leave your towel hanging over the shower stall door. Someone will steal it. And chances are that this same someone, along with a good-sized peanut gallery, will be awaiting your next move.

While living in residence, it’s important to bring the comforts from home. But be smart about what you bring. Don’t bring a beer funnel. Furthermore, if an RA so happens to take away said beer funnel, do not break into the RA office to steal it back. They have cameras for jokers like you. With the use of technology, someone is always watching.

Because we are now attending university, please do your homework and study hard. But don’t do your homework in the Gold Lounge. Or any lounge, for that matter. Find a deep, dark hole way off in some faraway land — say, the Education Building — in order to achieve maximum levels of productivity. Or, wear some headphones. Don’t drink too much caffeine. Caffeine overdoses are a real thing.

In between studying, find the time to explore our beautiful campus, but don’t explore naked. The Campus Police do not support this lifestyle. Actually, no one does.

Assuming you’re fully clothed, being involved on campus is smart, so do jump in on organized residence activities.

If you’re not fully clothed and find yourself with a romantic partner, don’t use condoms found on corkboards; they have been compromised.

Truly, there are long lists of don’ts, but everyone learns from their mistakes.

Finally, do have fun, do party, do study, and don’t forget to wear those slippers! The last thing you want are cold feet when you’re strolling around campus during the dead of winter in your shorts and t-shirt.

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Graphic: Stephanie Mah