This guy’s doing it right. Are you?

The beginning of school isn’t considered a particularly sexy time, but this is a result of cultural ignorance. In reality, with students converging en masse in their nicest cardigans, wearing new glasses and plaid scarves, a mad scramble ensues to find someone in the library to hole up with for the winter.

While this happens, we have to navigate the standard maze of dating and feelings as well as the much newer terrain of texting, sexting and naked pictures.

There is a surprisingly delicate line between when to text someone, “what’s up tonight?” and when to say, “I want to ram my throbbing cock down your vanilla throat until you cry cum,” and pictures add another level of complication.

With that in mind, I surveyed some of my fellow students and compiled a list of things to do and to avoid for guys thinking of sending pictures of their dicks to some lucky ladies.

This is key! I simply cannot stress enough that you should wait for an unmistakable sign that a picture of your genitals is warranted and welcome. Things that do not constitute a signal to send a dick pic:

• Going on one date.
• Receiving a picture of a girl wearing her bra.
• An initial sexy text message.
• A girl gave you her phone number.
• You want to.

The consensus people seemed to reach was that you should wait well into sexting someone to send this kind of picture. This means two or three pictures from the girl, and definitely one with some sort of nudity. If she has sent you a picture of herself fully clothed posing in front of a historical monument, do not — I repeat, do not — respond with a close-cropped picture of your exposed member.

The dudes I spoke to about dick pics all said the same thing: “It’s all we’ve got!” This is patently untrue and I think it stems from some ill-conceived ideas of what women find sexy. The thinking goes like this: women have to cover their breasts as well as their vaginas. Both are sexy. Men only have to cover their penises. Ergo, that is the only sexy part of the male body.

Nothing could be further from the truth. A shirtless dude might be neither as unusual nor as illicit a sight as a topless woman, but it is still awesome to see someone you’re attracted to without his shirt on.

This should be taken care of by the first point, but you must — must! — make sure the person you’re involved with actually wants to exchange sexy pictures or texts. There are many people who have not adopted the custom of sending nude pictures and who find it bewildering and terrifying. Sending one of those people a dirty picture or a detailed text about what you want to do to them is one of the last things you want to do. Ever. Seriously. You will face ridicule or a break-up as well as the knowledge that you have mentally scarred someone you care about. It is not a good idea.

Once you know you’re sending a picture that will be well-received, you can focus on how to do a good job of the thing. A friend of mine received a dick pic wherein the dude was sitting on the side of his bed and two things were visible that should not have been: his bed, which was simply a mattress on the floor, and his grey athletic socks.

My friend was thoroughly unimpressed by the shabby bed, while I was completely distracted by the socks. This is supposed to be a sexy picture, one that makes you want to jump the bones of the guy who sent it. Grey athletic socks are not going to make that happen, but frankly, neither are feet. Lots of people are weirdly uncomfortable with feet, so the best idea is to avoid having them in the picture at all. That way, if you’re the kind of guy who wears pulled up grey athletic socks while taking a nude picture of himself, no one needs to know.

Laying on your bed is your best bet and your blanket gives you a nice uniform background. Proper lighting is also key, and can mean the difference between a dick pic looking like a work of art or like a screencap from a third-rate porno. Another good idea is cropping the photo once it’s taken.

But whatever you do, under no circumstances should you send a picture of yourself with athletic socks hiked up and pants pulled down. Yuck.

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Photo: numbphoto/Flickr