This looks great, right?

I don’t understand school spirit.

I mean, sure, I should care about the school I’m attending and support it, if only because if no one did the school would be unable to keep up the budget to maintain classes that I am interested in.

But besides that basic financial interest in my school’s well-being, what is really confusing to me is why anyone on this earth would want to attend school functions. Dear lord, the last thing I want to do after my classes and studying in the library is spend more time on campus. Why would I do such a thing when I could be watching the Rush Hour trilogy on cable television for the rest of the day? I know it’s unfair to compare campus activities to the golden standard that is Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker together on film, but too late.

I’m sure that for those of you who live on campus it is a nice social place to meet new people and other pleasant things. Just don’t go and try to convince me of that by texting something like, “BUT DUDE BEER GARDENS. BEEEEEEEEEEEER.”

I don’t care how many e’s you put in there, I don’t give a flying Jackie Chan about it. Unless there is some magical garden that actually grows canned beer, which would increase my interest considerably.

This is the part where you start thinking, “Nick, aren’t you being a little anti-social?” My answer to that is: I have a social life beyond campus and so should you. It’s great that the school holds fundraisers and it’s a good thing to support it, but I can’t handle spending all of my days and nights in the same place.

I’ll give you an example the only way I know how. Rush Hour.

Going to school events such as Welcome Week are like the Rush Hour trilogy. The first one you attend is fresh, there are a lot of new faces and you chuckle your way through it, even if in retrospect it wasn’t that exciting.

Your second time at one of these school events is like Rush Hour 2. You know a lot of the faces and everything is very familiar but you still have fun catching up with old friends.

Finally, the third time you go to a campus social event it is almost identical to the experience of watching Rush Hour 3. You notice everything is tired and old, trying too hard and those familiar faces aren’t even close to fresh anymore; you know them far too well. It’s just the same old thing over and over. You should have stopped at number two.

So go ahead and attend a school event. Just know that once you have been to one, you have been to them all. I apologize to the organizers; there is nothing you can do about it besides move those school events to a place other than campus. And even if you did I still don’t think I will be capable of caring.

School and party just don’t go hand in hand for me.

—
Photo: Huskie Outsider