Why ending a toxic relationship with yourself can lead to true contentment.

I find it fundamentally baffling that the love we feel for others can come with such ease, but can be so difficult when we need to feel that way about ourselves. Why is that? Is it because we feel like it isn’t deserved? Or is it because the inner monologue in our heads can be so critical of our every move? Regardless, there are ways to allow that self-love to flourish, but that would, in return, mean you would need to break up with yourself.

Now what do I mean by breaking up with yourself? Like any toxic dynamic, this you-on-you detest needs to end. However, you cannot just get rid of yourself like you would another person, as that would defeat the entire purpose. What I mean is that the version of you that’s holding yourself back, feeding yourself constant negative affirmations and making you feel like you are never enough has to go right away. Choosing to love yourself enough to leave this toxic version of yourself requires a conscious effort to reframe your mind, change your habits and commit to treating yourself better.

I have been asked at times how I’m able to be content with myself, and it’s because I have learned to become my own best friend. This doesn’t mean I don’t have best friends other than myself, of course I do, and it is so important for everyone to have that. Some of these very close friends of mine don’t live nearby or are busy with adulting, which has allowed me to truly enjoy my own company. When I say this, some people tend to not understand it, but being your own best friend is a crucial step in feeling truly content with yourself.

The only person you must live with for the rest of your life is yourself, so you might as well become best friends with yourself. If you are not able to enjoy your own company, you may start doubting how genuine others’ feelings are towards you. It may also escalate codependency on others, which can be difficult to manage when trying to get things done at your own time and pace. What is it about solitude that unsettles you? Why aren’t you able to feel fine on your own at times? These are questions worth exploring because the answers reveal what needs to be healed. 

So, how do you break up with this version of yourself? I suggest starting by sitting in front of a mirror and talking to yourself. This is your opportunity to be brutally honest about what you do not like within yourself and how it impacts you. Allow yourself to pour out all these negative perceptions so they no longer serve as pent-up emotions. Get it all out. It might feel strange or even painful, but think of it as an emotional detox.

Once you feel like you have released all the pessimistic energy, take a deep breath—seriously —because that is not an easy thing to do. Acknowledge that this takes strength and recognize that strength as something positive about yourself. Then, I want you to look at yourself and analyze where each negative thought stems from. Are there individuals around you who are enabling this self-doubt? Did an event in your past catalyze this insecurity? To solve an issue, it is crucial to get to the root of it.

Once the breakup occurs, it’s time to rebuild yourself. Think about how you would treat a friend who’s struggling. Would you criticize them endlessly? Would you tell them they’re not enough? No, you would support them. You would listen to them, encourage them and remind them of their worth. So why not do the same for yourself? You are a toxic friend to yourself—it’s time to change that dynamic and start treating yourself like your own best friend.

This doesn’t mean avoiding emotions or pretending to be happy all the time. If you need to rot in your feelings, then rot. However, set a time limit. It’s important to process emotions, but it’s also crucial to let them go eventually. Sometimes this can be difficult to do on your own, so talking it out with a mental health professional can go a long way, as they can provide concrete ways to navigate this. Feeling your negative emotions thoroughly is necessary, but wallowing indefinitely in them is counterproductive in the long-run. 

Ultimately, it’s important to be around people too and strengthen your connections with them. My point in developing this self-love for yourself is not about trying to showcase that it’s wrong to be dependent on others, it is okay to be. However, the problem arises when other people become the sole reason you can function in your own life. If your well-being depends entirely on external validation, you will always be at the mercy of other people’s presence and opinions. This way of living is not stable enough to maintain in a healthy manner.

The goal is to eventually develop a balance between learning to enjoy your own company, while also appreciating the presence of others. It’s about establishing a relationship with yourself that is full of endless support and kindness. At the end of the day, you are the one person who will be with you through every astounding high and unbearable low in your life. You are the person who will be part of every success and failure, every moment in your life. So, why not put in the effort to make that relationship with yourself a positive one?

Breaking up with yourself doesn’t mean rejecting the essence of who you are. Instead, it means letting go of the version of you that no longer serves your growth. You’ll still have days when you don’t feel as great about yourself—that’s part of life. However, shedding the constant toxicity to make space for a healthier relationship with yourself will make it easier to tackle those days that feel way too blue. Trust me, this relationship is the most important one to be consistently nurturing, and it is well worth it in the long run.