Welcome to this issue’s installment of the hit series “Kienan’s Nourishment Reviews.” Today, I shall be causing myself bodily harm in the name of reviewing Valentine’s Day candy. But first, a message:

This issue marks the one-year anniversary of my first article published in the Sheaf. I will never forget the look of pride on my mother’s face as I handed her that paper, its cover decorated with dildos.

Who didn’t love Valentine’s Day back in elementary school? Everybody got candy and a generic message printed on a small branded card — it was pretty dope.

Now there are loads on loads of Valentine’s Day candies. Chocolates are particularly prevalent, of course, but I have instead opted to review a delicious duo devoid of chocolate. What could I be referring to, you ask? I know you’ve read the title so I shall delay no longer — I am of course referring to the Valentinian power couple: conversation and cinnamon hearts.

Cinnamon hearts have long been a favourite of my family. The spicy sweetness, the way that, if you put enough in your mouth at once, they start to flavour your spit — they’re simply perfect. Unfortunately, I am afraid that I must report two flaws with cinnamon hearts.

First, their texture sucks. They’re really hard, and when you crush them they get stuck in your molars. Second (and this is where the bodily harm comes in), if you are not careful there is a chance that you will end up burning your entire tongue, causing your sense of taste to be dulled, your tongue to feel numb and general lingual pain, all for a prolonged period of time.

I had to suffer through this, but I did so for the greater good. After all, where would humanity be without my reviews?

Conversation hearts have always been near and dear to me. Who would have thought that small pieces of processed sugar produced in a gross factory somewhere could convey deep emotional sentiments so effectively? Certainly not I, prior to my introduction to this confection.

I have heard these candies compared to earwax. I’m not sure who said that, maybe one of my classmates long ago, but whoever it was they’re a big smelly dumb-dumb because these candies are real good. That said, if you actually like the taste and texture of earwax (not judging), feel free to consider that comparison a glowing review.

I like to think of conversation hearts as powdery, fruit-like tablets infused with affection. Not sure how you could possibly think that sounds bad.

With all that said, I’m giving cinnamon hearts a rating of “pain” and conversation hearts a rating of “genuine emotion is being commercialized and commodified to an alarming degree.”

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for the next chapter of my culinary adventure in which we will be having a special guest!

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Kienan Ashton