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Quiz: Which apocalyptic event are you?

By in Distractions

You turn on the news and see that the end of the world has begun. Where is the first place you go?
A. Costco. Endless hotdogs and reasonably priced socks.
B. Walmart to stock up on reusable straws. Maybe it’s not too late to save the world (and the turtles).
C. Drive north and die a hero with the polar bears.
D. Social media to make a post about it.
E. Bed.

All currency suddenly hits zero because the stockbrokers on Wall Street live out their Wolf of Wall Street fantasies. What do you choose as your new currency?
A. Sailor Dan art.
B. Copper wire.
C. Teeth.
D. Bold of you to assume I subscribe to society’s capitalistic values.
E. The taxidermied bodies of animals that died from oil spills.

Food prices inflate to the point where you pull all your teeth out but still don’t have enough to buy an avocado for your poké bowl. Who do you cannibalize first?
A. The dude who cut in front of you at Tim’s and got the last strawberry dip donut.
B. Whoever it is at Netflix that keeps cancelling good shows but renewed Insatiable for another season.
C. I don’t discriminate.
D. Foot fetishists.
E. Only gluten-free, vegan, free-range non-GMO people.

How do you cope with the apocalypse?
A. Underground bunker. As long as you have guac and Netflix, you’ll survive this.
B. Make memes to cope with the crippling fear.
C. Don a green cargo jacket and become emotionally unavailable. You are now the protagonist of our new dystopian Earth.
D. Eat the rich.
E. Don’t. Just Die.

Who is your favourite One Direction member?
A. Liam.
B. Zayn.
C. Niall.
D. Harry.
E. Louis.

If you answered mostly As, you are: Biblical rapture
You enjoy the simple things in life. You have your routine and don’t like having it shaken up, so a few tribulations aren’t going to bring you down. Whether it’s a seven-headed goat man, half the population being raptured or the four horsemen of the apocalypse marching down your street leaving a trail of death and destruction, it won’t stop you from going on your Saturday morning speed walk.

If you answered mostly Bs, you are: Plastic-straw tsunami
You are notorious for putting off your work until it overwhelms you, so you put off saving the world until it was too late. You single-handedly ended the world with your single-use straws. You fool. Because you refused to recycle, eat locally-grown food and walk instead of drive, the ocean filled up with garbage, the sun went dark and a new ice age began. Like Atlas, you will carry the weight of the world on your shoulders for the rest of your short, miserable existence.

If you answered mostly Cs, you are: Nuclear war love triangle split
You’ve always been a hopeless romantic. You shipped Trump, Putin and Kim Jong Un since the very start, and their breakup rocked your world in more ways than one. While the three world leaders started the next war during their post-breakup bender, you cut and coloured your hair, bought some camo pants and headed north to live it up with the polar bears. Your soft heart became dark and cold, much like our post-nuclear apocalypse world.

If you answered mostly Ds, you are: Communism
You didn’t eat the rich fast enough and now they’re out for your rights. Again. You decide to make a pentagram and summon the ghost of Lenin to ask for guidance. He convinces you to give communism one more try. In the process, you freak out the Americans who decide to go ahead with their plans of world domination. Insanity ensues.

If you answered mostly Es, you are: Anti-vaxx zombie apocalypse
You love your natural remedies and don’t believe in that modern medicine mumbo jumbo. You’re not sure where all these measles, chickenpox and polio outbreaks are coming from, but you know you’re safe from them because of the herbal potion you drank. That one bubonic plague case was scary, but it’s probably fine, right?

If you answered one of everything, you are: God
You somehow regathered the infinity stones. You decide to snap your fingers and kill all life in the universe except your celebrity crush so you can restart the human race on your own terms.

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