MICHAEL MACLEOD

That kid’s going to rip your fucking head off next.

During the holiday season, most people will be spending time with their families. This can be just as, if not more, scary than the worst the school term has to offer.

If your family is anywhere near as dysfunctional as mine, spending time with them can ruin your holiday — unless you’re prepared for it.

The first thing that can help you get through your visit into the demilitarized familial zone is being smart about the situation and having an action plan. You want to approach your visit with the neutrality of Switzerland. Determine what conversation topics are land-mines and will blow up in your face.

Religion and politics are big no-no’s in most families while the merits of the pie (or whichever dish is the tastiest on the table) and the relative bleakness of the weather can make it seem like you are all normal people who get along. If everyone present can agree on a certain element of pop culture (such as the awesomeness of MASH), feel free to discuss it.

Conversations about personal lives should be avoided.

While questions about your life will inevitably come up, sticking to noncommittal answers will discourage further prying and not cause rifts between those present. Personal lives are not the domain of the dinner table. Taking home girlfriends or boyfriends might dredge up dreaded conversations about possible future plans with them, like marriage or kids. There is also the possibility of a drunk family member bringing up awkward questions about your sex life.

Perhaps the best way to avoid conversations that cause conflict is to gather around the magic box, stare at it without talking and kill time until it is silently agreed that everyone is ready to disband. Relying on television to get through the holidays says horrible things about you, your family and modern culture in general, but it will keep you sane.

Always have an escape route. This is very important. No matter how much forethought you put into making this the least volatile family gathering, something can always go wrong. Someone brings out the Monopoly board or airs the most selective of grievances. When this happens, go to plan B — get the fuck out. Have a friend or two who would not be opposed to you spending the night if you have nowhere else to go. Having some company will go a long way in making you feel better.

Speaking of friends, if there is anyone in your family who is of a like mind, feel free to chill with them and avoid the rest of your family. Hopefully you and your compatriots will create an island of calm and sanity. This island will be your refuge for as long as possible. It might even be pleasant. Unless the plan backfires and the other inhabitants turn to cannibalism.

While spending time with your family can be bad, it can also be rewarding. It is hard to find people with stronger automatic bonds than kinship. Make the attempt to keep in touch with them and don’t burn any bridges.

One word of caution: If you find yourself wishing you could be placed in a pit with a hungry polar bear and your visits home are a serious detriment to your mental state, don’t go. Move on. Try to take care of yourself.

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Photo: More Good Foundation/Flickr