So you want to be a baller? A shot caller? Too bad, sucka!

I realized something important about myself recently. I am a loser, wasting my time and money in the pursuit of foolish, impractical dreams.

Not only am I a waste to myself, but society in general. As comedian Louis C.K. put it, I am just another “non-contributing product sponge.”

My epiphany came when some engineering students who had gathered in front of the Arts Building reminded me of my useless position as a U of S arts student.

One energetic fellow bellowed “Who’s a first year?” to the crowd of kids in short shorts and coveralls. As the majority of hands shot up he yelled, “Get painting!” to the crowd. Equipped with paint rollers, the first years took to the ground with the passion of the credulous. The lead boy promptly slapped a passing paint-covered beauty on the ass.

What I would have given to be either character in that exchange! Him: strong and in charge, leading a crew of adoring minions and laying down the law. All the other boys observing his superior control of the crowd and fairer sex. Her: accepting an approving swat from the master, walking away thinking she had finally been noticed by the alpha. “Oh please sir, may I have another?”

I left pondering which pointless classes to take to fill requirements for my stupid degree, wondering which art-fag ring to throw my hat into. I admit I was already despondent. The bold pink letters spelling out “Wear a condom” and “No more artsies” had barely even faded from Welcome Week to give way to the new message: “I have an arts degree; can I take your order?” This was not the reinforcement of self-worth I needed from my fellow students.

Last year’s jab at arts students I found wittier, reading simply, “McDegree.” Ah, brevity. There’s that art-fag talk again. Apparently it’s going to be a long road. I was finally struck with the beautifully simple answer as I waded through the pack of black Irish Rovers of self-loathing: what I need to do with my life is make money, damn it!

Engineering is where the money and excitement is. Wicked cool jobs, like systems analyst and chemical engineer await those bright, engaging minds!

According to the SaskJobFutures website, “Chemical Engineers research, design, and develop chemical processes and equipment. They oversee the operation and maintenance of large production or processing plants…. Chemical Engineers also perform duties related to chemical quality control.” Quality control? Sweet Jesus, just try and hold me back.

I don’t want to end up like Hemingway, or Hunter S. Thompson. Those poor, worthless suicidal losers floating in the arts pool, dear God, no! But the illustrious life of a chemical engineer isn’t calling my name either. What to do? Perhaps I should style myself after one of those famous engineering peoples, like Rowan Atkinson! Better known as Mr. Bean. Huh. Well, what about much revered film director, Alfred Hitchcock? Film director. Hurm. Er…jazz musician Herbie Hancock? What the fuck, even engineers don’t want to be engineers. That’s it, I’m going out to the car with a garden hose, fuck it.

Looking at the U of S enrolment stats, the “artsies” are clearly the bread and butter of the school, with nearly 7,600 undergrads enrolled. Bearing this in mind, and although the U of S is officially labelled a public research university, it could be argued that the tag of liberal arts should be applied. Engineering college enrolment numbers are around 1,500.

A new question emerges: why are they here? Especially considering there’s that lovely technical college just across the river, where thanks to Harper’s economic action plan you’re practically paid to attend if you play your cards right. Oh, and if they aren’t striking.

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image: coaxeus/Flickr