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Even more Facebook friends to avoid

By in Opinions

A few months ago we brought you a list of annoying Facebook friends you should probably avoid. Lo and behold, the list just keeps getting longer and longer. Here are six examples of some all-too-common Facebook archetypes that you’ll most likely want to sever all contact with.

Oh god, kill it with fire!

Duck Face Girl

Duck Face Girl is a staple in everybody’s friends list, pouting those lips in countless photos. The real problem is that she’s the only one who doesn’t know how stupid she looks.

Fact: unless a girl’s jibs look like Giant’s Causeway, she always looks better smiling than making a duck face.

The Relentless Updater

Twitter was invented to take this person off Facebook’s hands. Every part of the Updater’s day needs to be immortalized electronically, which is good news for me, because my life took on a whole new meaning now that I know you had tuna for lunch. Or that you’re pumped the weekend is here. Or that you’re also enjoying the nice weather.

Here is a simple formula for status updates: If it’s not entertaining or informative for anyone, it can probably stay in your head where it won’t waste anyone’s time.

Two-Weeks-Late Internet Meme Guy

“Holy shit man, did you actually stumble across this David After Dentist video all by yourself? How has nobody seen this yet? Let’s spread the word, and fast!”

We live in a great time — the age of the viral video. Viral phenomena also bring their own set of challenges, namely, the challenge not to be the asshole who latches on to an Internet meme after everyone else has tired of it. This guy still puts #Winning at the end of his messages and posts Rebecca Black parodies every Friday.

The YouTube DJ

One of my favourite aspects of Facebook is sharing music. I love posting great new music I hear and checking out the music my friends post. That said, when you link to some music via YouTube, make it something I’m not going to hear by tuning into the local top 40 station.

Oh, you’re a fan of Rihanna’s new one? The one that’s number 3 on the charts right now? That tells me a lot about your personality.

The Lazy Activist

This person makes him or herself feel better and you feel guilty, all with a simple copy-paste-send.

A typical post: “If you’ve been touched by cancer, please repost this. 98% of you won’t, but my true friends will.”

A few keystrokes aren’t going to help the cause, unless those keystrokes involve PayPal.

Points-At-Camera Guy

Points-At-Camera is the bane of my Facebook existence. This guy is the male equivalent of Duck Face Girl. If you are ever at a club or party and see a photographer approaching, and you want to look like Points-At-Camera, follow these simple steps to be certain you look unbelievably cool:

  1. Ensure you have a ton of bros or girls rated seven (or higher) nearby. You never want to be caught lone-wolf.
  2. Ensure you’re drinking a highball in a short glass. Beer is way too blue-collar.
  3. Speaking of collars, ensure yours is straight. Who wears a t-shirt out anymore? Guys who aren’t as cool as you, that’s who.
  4. Don’t smile — it’s a sign of weakness.
  5. Take the hand holding your mixed drink, lift your index finger off the glass, and point that motherfucker right down the barrel of the camera.

And just like that, you’re “the man.”

graphic: Brianna Whitmore/The Sheaf

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