THILINA BANDARA
Arts Writer

For longer than it took to get a man to the moon, 3D Realms — a Texas-based video game development studio — has been pulling the most infamous case of artistic stagnation in the short history of video games.

And for what, you may ask? A game that lets you pee in a urinal, as demonstrated in the playable demo last summer at the Penny Arcade Expo — as much seems to differentiate this game from the already over-saturated shooter market.

On May 3, 2011, Duke Nukem: Forever will finally be released, and its notoriety will be vaporized.

There is something hilariously negligent at the core of Duke Nukem: Forever‘s development hell. Duke Nukem originated amidst the advent of digital, interactive explicit content. It was a game your parents wouldn’t believe existed.

Appearing on the PC platform in 1991, Duke took the then-revolutionary idea of the first-person shooter and lathered its bloody aesthetic with pixelated boobies, gratuitous violence and thematic irreverence. And it was great. An American legend was born in an industry filled with moustached plumbers and mega-men.

From then on, 3D Realms continued to develop Duke on the newer gaming consoles up to his last big console appearance in Duke Nukem: Land of the Babes on the Playstation. Then in 1997 Duke Nukem: Forever was officially announced for a 1998 release.

From then until now, the medium has made incredible leaps in technology, evolving into a multi-billion dollar industry”¦and all the while, Duke Nukem: Forever was teased, year after year.

And now for some numbers.

In 13 years: two screenshots were released, one member of the press played the game for five minutes, more than $20 million was invested, three separate video game engines were used and scrapped, 100 per cent of the Duke Nukem: Forever development staff at 3D Realms was fired.

The abysmal trailer, screenshots and the collective “Mehs” of the gaming press have me worried about Duke Nukem: Forever‘s quality. From all accounts, the game is just another first-person shooter, but with giant aliens with boobs. It has a generic aura that Duke doesn’t deserve, and the ambivalence and pomposity of his creators tarnishes the otherwise charming elements of Duke’s character. Maybe they should have left him alone, to exist in his own time rather than exposing him in all of his anachronistic glory.

But no. Here he is: the progeny of the meatheads in Gears of War, the “Hoorah!” adrenaline-junkies of Call of Duty; all panderous red-meat aimed at 14-year-old boys.

Turns out nothing has changed in 13 years.

It wasn’t easy, but “the king is back, baby,” and he’s here to show us how satisfying trite crap can be. Duke Nukem: Forever is what happens when the lazy feign creativity, when a legend transcends the product and when expectations become unreasonably high. This all amounts to the only number that matters: $59.99: The amount I will save myself from not investing in disillusionment.

Duke, you are dead to me, and you’re better off for that. (You too, Smurfs; they’ve announced a live-action Smurfs movie. I cried blue tears).