Well holy hotdogs, it’s almost Halloween and that means, like any stereotypical frat-party going lunatic, you’re going to want to get drunk, watch some scary movies and make a costume entirely out of duct tape. But put the beer helmet down for now, un-pop that collar and let’s talk about celebrating the holidays like any real tough guy should — by pissing your duct taped pants in drunken fear for your life.
Maybe this Halloween you could watch Saw 6 and become immersed in the realm of big budget violence and market hype. Maybe that’s a good idea. I’ll ruin the surprise for you right now: Saw 6 is exactly the same as the first five Saw films — except with different people exploding different things out of different orifices.
Instead, you’d better let loose like the eagle you are and soar to the bounds of independent filmmaking — drama, suspense, fantasy and storytelling not seen since the entire computer science department got drunk and role-played out their Elvin fetishes in the Quad.
In short, you’d better get your silly ass on down to the Broadway Theatre Oct. 29 and watch Troll 2 with the rest of the disoriented 20-somethings of Saskatoon because this kind of lunacy doesn’t come along more than once a year.
Troll 2 is presumably the sequel to something like Troll 1 but I neither know nor care. Troll 1 didn’t make it out of the dusty back room of a defunct video company 25 years after-the-fact. That honour goes to Troll 2, a movie that leaks common sense out its ears like the Exxon Valdez leaked freedom all over Alaska. Troll 2 is a movie so intense you shouldn’t be able to even say its name without a 10 second guitar riff cutting in and Mick Jagger popping up from the floorboards to scream, “Yeeeeaaaaah!” into a tightly clenched microphone.
Troll 2 is the ’80s independent horror genre summed up in one sweeping, cataclysmic thunder-punch to the skull. The ’80s was a time when synthesizers blared on every street and when music montages, headbands and hot pants joined hands. Anyone with a bad idea for a film and a direction to take it in was immediately awarded $50,000 and a heap of paper mache to get the ball rolling. Troll 2 is a cultural revolution on film.
The movie follows a family of four in their romp through the backwoods troll town of Nilbog. Their dead grandpa tags along too, hitting people with axes, freezing time and encouraging his grandson to piss on the family dinner.
Fortunately, what their dead grandpa lacks in sanity is made up for by the unique personalities of all the characters: a daughter struggling to keep her enormous ’80s vibe in one piece, Dad and his thirst to be bare-chested and free, Mom’s vacant expression as she envisions the death of her acting career and little Timmy’s dealings with a dead grandpa in the mirror. At some point I think they have to try and stop the trolls too, but that’s really less interesting than watching an RV trailer full of horny boys get hunted down by a pack of sweaty little people (which happens).
Being the pinnacle of evil and bastards of nature that they are, the trolls are more or less like unhappy Ewoks that bleed chlorophyll and sometimes throw wooden spears. If that isn’t enough, their second-string offensive is to try and coax people into eating green corn and drinking rotten milk, usually by just haphazardly throwing it at them — a delicious alternative to a spear in the chest.
It gets to the point it’s not even fair to make fun of Troll 2. It’s kind of like making fun of the kid who wears sweatpants to school and sniffs his fingers constantly because at some point it stops being funny and is mostly just sad. So I’ll sum it up by saying that if you spend your time this weekend doing anything that isn’t watching Troll 2, your whole life is a waste and no one will ever love you.
Happy Halloween!Â