A terrible thing has happened

By in Opinions

Opinions Writer

Let’s face it. Life is far too short to always be uncomfortable and worried, even for the sake of fashion.

I focus my energy on finding two simple things: comfort and practicality. I don’t feel the need to impress anyone and I’m not trying to bring any sort of attention upon myself. Yet for some reason when I go out of the house, I am the subject of ridicule and countless questions.

I wear a fanny pack.
At some tragic point in time, society had a mental fart and deemed this wonderful apparatus “uncool.” Just like global warming, this is a problem that may be too far along to fix. For reasons beyond my comprehension, the reputation of the fanny pack may be tainted beyond repair.

There is absolutely no denying that the fanny pack is one of the most practical inventions this world has ever seen. It holds everything you need: your cell phone, camera, keys, money and hand lotion, all while acting as a temporary fixture on your body. The fanny pack isn’t going to get in your way and you don’t need to worry about finding a safe place to put it while you bump and grind on the dance floor.

Comfort? Check. Practicality? Check.

A few weekends ago I stumbled across an authentic 1980s acid wash fanny pack in my parents’ basement. Naturally I wore it to The Hose and Hydrant for a friend’s birthday party and was mercilessly mocked by my peers.

However, when I went around the corner to Buds, I was applauded for my fashion decision by the much wiser, much older members of our community.

Before you scoff, remember that the people who frequent Buds come from the generation that invented or popularized television, typewriters and spandex. Clearly, they know a good idea when they see it.

I was applauded for my fashion decision by the much wiser, much older members of our community.

As our society’s up and coming generation, we have to update the fanny pack and make it something extraordinary, just like the generation before us has done with so many modern inventions.

So, this is where I turn to you, my friends. The best we can do is try to save the fanny pack from extinction. Dig through your closets, find your old fanny packs (I know you have one), dust them off and do up those buckles. Stop chasing me around house parties trying to steal the thing and just accept that by deeming fanny packs repugnant society made a tragic mistake, which is now our responsibility to fix.

I know there are a lot of you who secretly admire the fanny pack (Saskatoon has very open drunks), so just come out of the closet with that pack strapped rigidly to your fanny. Start a revolution. You won’t regret it. I promise.