Twilight is a piece of shit
So shitty and so bad that I am losing my eyesight
MATTHEW STEFANSON
Opinions Writer
Pre-teens have terrible taste in literature. This fact is the reason that the Sweet Valley High series and the Hardy Boys lasted so long, and also the reason that we don’t let them vote or drink. They make awful decisions as a full-time job.
No one would dispute the fact that Nancy Drew is pedantic and ridiculous and if you came across a university student who said their favourite book was The Secret of Red Gate Farm you would immediately start looking for mittens on a string or a helmet.
Those books were trash, but at least they were recognized as literary training wheels. They did their job by encouraging kids to read and enjoy reading, which is fantastic. I’m all for literacy and anything that gets the horrible population of children into books is a good thing, but you have to grow out of tripe sooner or later.
Sadly, thanks to Stephenie Meyer, the world of grade school literature is experiencing a Renaissance. The Twilight series — the worst example of trash literature in recent memory — is an abomination that takes over 2,500 pages to fucking end and give the world some peace. It is like a cancer.
The problem isn’t that the stories are bad literature. I wouldn’t expect a book about teenage vampires to be anything but kitschy and incredibly stupid. Which they are.
The problem isn’t even that they’re so poorly written; I applaud Stephenie Meyer for managing to drain the funds of semi-literate sheep.
The problem isn’t that the book’s main plotline details a 100-year-old vampire plowing a 17-year-old girl because that’s a pretty vampire-like thing to do.
The problem is that people — grown-ass people — think these books are something other than bullshit words bound into a hardcover and endorsed by mass marketing.
Meyer has managed to write complete garbage about a sad teenage girl and her sparkling vampire boyfriend that people who are adults, at least technically, are willing to read. The author of these horrid rags has convinced legions of college-aged or older people to read books filled with sappy, teen romance and ridiculously stupid ideas.
And the greatest trick of all: fans of Twilight don’t seem to notice how crazy stupid everything in the series is.
Sparkling? Seriously? Your vampires fucking sparkle in the sunlight? What happened to bursting into flames or turning into statues of ash that blow away on the wind? What happened to all of that cool shit? Why throw all of that away in favour of sparkling?
And why don’t they just go out during the daytime? Because people will know? When they see them sparkle in the sun they’ll know that they’re vampires? No, they won’t. You know why? Because that’s so fucking stupid.
You see a dude sparkling and just walk away. You don’t think that he’s a hellish creature that thrives on human blood, you know why? Because that is idiotic. That is the dumbest possible thing you could think of.
But despite the hours of wasted time that people spend reading about vampire high school and thunderstorm baseball games and every other ridiculous thing in the series, no one has quite caught on to the perfect scam that Meyer is working. She has created — or more appropriately adapted, since I refuse to give her credit for originality — a familiar piece of lore, which has grossed her more than $125 million. She has written several terrible books that have unleashed a horde of offshoot merchandise: board games, toys, jewellery and probably a line of ketchup chips called Cullen Crunch.
And she earned this success by writing lines like this: “Take care of my heart, I left it with you.”
I want to puke so hard that it kills me.
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photo: Katie Freeland
HAHAHAHAHA …. the last time I laughed this hard was reading the reviews of Twilight: New Moon on imdb.com … rants on paper (technicality, paper screen what’s the difference) are so fun to read.
Personally I think Stephanie Meyer ate a bottle of body glitter, took a dump and called it twilight. She has also been accused of plagiarism by an old roommate who wrote a similar short story. I find it odd that Stephanie claims to have based her books on a DREAM she had in 203 and finished the book in three months after that.
What gets me the most is that the RABID twilight fans are extremely violent to anyone with a different opinion. One of my closest friends whom I have known for eight years was told to burn in hell and do various and incredibly obscene things to herself with many household items and then die.
In the end I believe it is suffice to say that Twilight has reduced much of human populace to retarded fangirls and fanboys that can’t even make a decision without thinking something along the lines of ‘What would do?’ I believe it has set literacy back by at least thirty years.
In closing, put glitter on a turd and it is just a glittery, sparkly TURD.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all for the books. I more or less wondering why everyone cares so much? I mean, if someone enjoys the book, they enjoy it. Although I’m not so sure about these “twi-moms” or whatever. A teenage girl liking Twilight, I can understand. A 34 year old mother of 3 that acts the same way? That’s pretty bad, and I would be pretty disappointed if that was my mother. :|
I’m still on the Harry Potter wizard kick. I don’t want that to get wiped away by this vampire shit.
Ok, so it’s not that you think it’s poorly written, what it all comes down to is the sparkling and other “dumb” things in the series. I hear this time and time again from haters. They say, “I don’t hate it because it’s crappy writing, I hate it because what kind of vampire sparkles?” Stephenie made them that way, there is no law that says she has to write them the way others have, espcially since they’re not real in the first place.
What does it matter if someone is 5 or 55? If it gives you joy, go for it, if it doesn’t great, stop reading and move on. There is no need to bash others who like something you find stupid….that sounds so 5th grade, and you guys are better than that.
For something to touch so many people is quite amazing. I wish people would start looking for the good in things and stop judging and critisizing.
I really don’t understand why it bothers you so much. I read plenty of actual, amazing literature that I really enjoy and is plenty intellectual. HOWEVER, sometimes you just need to read some crap about people in love. I admit, Meyer’s writing is atrocious, but her stories are somehow engaging and the series is a nice, light read. What’s wrong with that? Why do you give a fuck?
Anyone who uses so much profanity in an article is the last person to be a critic.
Live and let live I say.Instead of shooting it down why don’t you write something better?
Obvioulsy you enjoy writing so do it for yourself and create something more inspiring. But please ease off on the profanity!
You come across as jealous the way you write your article. The bottom line is, like it or not, people like mindless entertainment at times. That’s why 2012 is a #1 movie and soap operas exist (along with the many other things that shouldn’t be worth our time are around). Yet these things are quite enjoyable given the stress of our daily lives. It’s nice to escape at the end of the day with a book, movie or tv show no matter how idiotic the story may be when disected.
Hmmmmmm. I understand your arguments, and I empathize with those of you who feel that Twilight is the cinematographic reincarnation of Buddha, but I’m with Ish on this one. Twilight is most definitely, unequivocally, a giant sack of shit. And I know that without having even seen it!
See, that’s the thing, I hate it because it’s terribly written *and* it’s so stupid. I don’t hate selectively. I sample all of the items in the hate cornucopia; the ones that highlight how retarded and pointless the books are just make for a more entertaining article that allows me to swear a lot.
Matthew — you’re a brave man to poke the hornet’s nest that is Twilight fandom. But haven’t you heard? You’re not allowed to criticize or offer dissenting opinion anymore. If people want to labotomize themselves with puerile drivel, you can only offer polite applause and nothing more. Apparently you didn’t get the memo.
Fantastic mud-slinging. I just read this piece from my own student paper-http://www.martlet.ca/article/20512-vampires-abstain-from-sex-abortion. Why isn’t Twilight opening a dialogue about how even pre-teens should read well-written garbage?
Really, it’s both shitty AND bad?
I understand your disgust with Twilight and the fact that it panders to the semi-literate and the “horrible population of children,” however you’re pandering to the exact same crowd with the sporadic use of unnecessary profanity.
Also, if you’re going to be criticizing a literary work for being mediocre and pedestrian, you might want to stay away from terms like “grown-ass” and “crazy stupid.”
How about hating it for the dangerous messages it sends young women about love: that when he controls who you see and what you do, it’s because he loves you too much. When he leaves, it’s not really love unless you completely fall apart and life is not worth living (hey, even try a few death scenarios). You shouldn’t have other friends, and you don’t even need family as long as you two are together.
I’ve read all the books, and yes, I hated them for all the above mentioned reasons. But the reason I think Twilight needs to at least be discussed negatively is because impressionable tweens are eating this garbage up, and only a fool would say the negative representations of love won’t have an effect on some level. They don’t just love it; they WORSHIP it, to the point where apparently for $60 you can buy a lifesize Edward decal to attach to your wall and creepily watch over you while you sleep (http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=28682772).
Yes, I’ve heard that Meyer has come out saying that the love is supposed to be a fictionalized account of love, as alluded to by her references to Romeo and Juliet and Wuthering Heights. One problem with that assertion: in Romeo and Juliet and Wuthering Heights, the end result is tragedy. Ultimately, these books send the message that such love is destructive. So I guess Meyers should go the same way, if her argument is valid. But wait (spoiler alert!) – everything turns out so freaking happy in the end that even though the books feature several battles/showdowns involving vampires and werewolves, not a single person fighting for the “good” side dies. And Edward and Bella live happily ever after with everyone they love by their side. Awwwwww.
I guess I’m actually less concerned about the adults reading it than the children (although I think it speaks volumes about the adult who would defend such a series). To each their own, I realize, but that doesn’t mean discussion should be quelled just because the fans don’t like to hear bad things about their mindless entertainment.
Matthew Stefanson is a Canadian hero
I am a Twilight fan – even though I sometimes try to hide it. I am also an avid reader. I believe that books do not always have to be deep and thought provoking. Sometimes, it is okay to enjoy something that is completely ridiculous and far-fetched. Haven’t you ever done or watched or listened to something just because you liked it even though it was completely irrational?? Twilight, for me at least, is exactly like that.
P.S. If you’re going to write an article about how stupid something is, try and use proper words instead of swearing. Otherwise, you’re just as stupid as the thing you’re insulting.
Being a fan of the books, it is a chance to explore an alternate reality. I could say that the Harry Potter books are shit, who eats some sort of herb and it gives you gills? It’s the same with the sparkles. Just because of what urban myths tells us that vampires are supposed to melt in sunlight and burn at the scent of garlic does not mean we cannot accept Stephanie Meyer’s interpretation of them. It’s like any director’s interpretation of ANY of Shakespeare’s plays. Have you thought of it that way?
And I agree with Chelsie. These books, no matter how irrational it may sound lets you escape no matter how far-fetched it may seem. And grow up, you are a writer; start using better language, please, other than swearing. And honestly enough, the hype about this series is the love that you cannot have. How wrong it is for a vampire (who is supposed to kill humans) tries to rebels against what he is and loves a human. The idea of having the impossible, and overcoming what you are is what appeals to people. Yes, it is supid and full of shit, but what about soap opras and reality tv shows? For me, I cannot stand shows like The Hills or One Tree Hill… Is it not the same thing?
Maybe you should consider doing more research next time you write…
If you dislike Twilight/realize it is trite and crappy compared to actual legible literature, you agree with Matthew’s thesis, so calm down.
Also, profanity does not invalidate an argument. This is a college paper, and college kids swear. Get fucking used to it, fuckbags.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a college newspaper. He’s obviously on the paper because he cares about writing. However, he apparently doesn’t realize that strong things can be said without using swear words all the time. Maybe college kids need to grow up and learn how to speak.
You’re right – swearing does not invalidate an argument but it takes a lot away from it and makes others not want to read it if every other sentence includes the word “fuck”.
I think we’re steering away too much from the meat and potatoes of this article by whining about the swearing content. The Sheaf has made it OK by publishing it, and we’ve all heard “bad” words before…time to be adults and pick our battles, children.
Golden article, couldn’t have said it better myself.
You’re right Stel, we were getting kind of off topic!
In any case, people make bad decisions all the time – some that can change your life forever. Just be glad these “twi-hards” are hopefully too busy drooling over Edward and Jacob to be making other more serious bad choices. (I know – it’s a stretch but I had nothing else good to say:p)
i love u man/women i havnt read the books but i saw about 20 mins of bullshit then fast forwarded through the rest twilight is BULLSHIT
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