ANDY ARGUIN
Opinions Writer

I made two New Years’ resolutions this time. One is to floss regularly. The other is to learn a new language. Guess which one is more likely to work out.

Before we dive into 2011, I’m going to look back on 2010, just for the sake of seeing if the coming year might suck just as much as the last, if not more.

News

The big stories of 2010 were the BP oil spill and the Chilean miners that were trapped for weeks. Neither story was too cheery, but the miners got out alive, so it wasn’t all that grim.

I can’t predict the future (I pay professionals to do that), but I’m sure there will be a few similar stories in 2011. Here’s hoping one involves noted asshole Sean Penn getting arrested for molesting Haitians.

The only thing that will set these years apart is the lack of a U.S. election in 2011.

A year without campaign ads and insufferable pundits on either side of the aisle claiming “no bias” is better than one in which we are collectively shat upon by smarmy douche bags like Glenn Beck and Keith Olberman.

Edge: 2011

Music

Thinking back to 2010, the over-arching trend seemed to include terrible songs about being at the club. Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” was the worst of the bunch — to the point of being ironically awesome.

While songs like that fucking awful Black Eyed Peas remix of “Time of My Life” made life miserable for anyone with taste, there were a select few glistening needles buried in the haystack of shit. Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire, Franz Ferdinand and Brandon Flowers (of The Killers) all released thoroughly enjoyable music; in terms of music, the year wasn’t half bad.

Let’s see what’s on the docket for 2011. The Red Hot Chili Peppers, My Morning Jacket, Fleet Foxes and Nelly Furtado all release albums, and that’s good. On the flip side, so do Pitbull and Green Day. The tiebreaker here is that Nickelback will drop an album sometime this year. Nothing would bring me more joy than to see Chad Krueger beaten into submission with a sack of used syringes.

Edge: 2010

Sports

Last year was not all that bad. Of course, none of my favourite teams won a title, because that would have made me happy. But more importantly, very few teams I hate won anything. The Yankees and Red Sox lost. The Steelers lost. Apart from Duke and the Los Angeles Lakers, the field of championship teams was pretty damn likeable. The Saints, Blackhawks and Giants are all tough to hate.

Plus, Canada won a gold medal in both women’s and men’s hockey at the Olympics in Vancouver — against the Yanks, no less.

In comparison, 2011 is probably going to suck. Most importantly, it seems likely that the NFL season will not be played due to labour agreement issues. The NBA is in the same boat. Hope everyone enjoys ”˜chel! It also provides a chance for the Yankees, Lakers, and the Miami Heat to win championships. Worse though, is that three Boston teams — the Red Sox, Celtics, and New England Patriots — are all considered favourites to win titles in their respective sports, with the Bruins having a legitimate shot as well.

People from New England are obnoxious to an obscene degree. “This is owah time! Bahston pride!” Shut up, you potato munching ass.

Edge: 2010

Television

Last year was pretty mediocre. No shows that I like (the only shows that matter) were cancelled, unlike in 2006, when Joey was cancelled in what I call “Black May.” Eastbound and Down started up, as did How to Make it in America, both HBO shows I highly recommend.

In 2011, Parks and Recreation is back on television. That’s great. But Steve Carell is leaving The Office, which could spell doom for one of the few great sitcoms left on television.

For me, 2011 may hinge on the future of Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen is going off the deep end, and if that show gets ruined because he’s too messed up to act, that would be fantastic, because that show is awful. If Two and a Half Men is cancelled, the edge goes to 2011 — unless Sheen proceeds to pull a Spin City and replaces Steve Carell on The Office.

Episode 1: Charlie sexually harasses Pam in front of Jim. Hilarity ensues.

Edge: 2010

Movies

Last year had a Christopher Nolan movie, which pretty much automatically gives it an advantage, because I don’t know if we’ll see a better movie in 2011. Other than that, the past year was fairly bland, with the top three movies (in terms of profit) being Toy Story 3, Alice in Wonderland, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1.

I haven’t seen many of the major awards contenders, but The Social Network was alright, and True Grit was amazing. All things considered, 2010 wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t phenomenal either.

The coming year looks promising, assuming you have the same taste in movies as me (i.e. good taste). The Hangover 2, Cowboys and Aliens and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 should all be enjoyable. Brad Pitt and Philip Seymour Hoffman star in Moneyball, which has a screenplay written by Aaron Sorkin based on the book by Michael Lewis (of Blindside fame). Should be excellent.

Also, they are making another Piranhas movie — nay, film — called Piranhas 3DD. That is bound to have an assload of class.

Edge: 2010

There you have it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that 2011 will be the worst year ever. So keep your head down, spend as much time with your friends and family as you can, and join me in praying that Tom Brady breaks his femur.

– –
image: Flickr