THE UNIVERSITY OF SASKATCHEWAN’S MAIN CAMPUS IS SITUATED ON TREATY 6 TERRITORY AND THE HOMELAND OF THE MÉTIS.
THE UNIVERSITY OF SASKATCHEWAN’S MAIN CAMPUS IS SITUATED ON TREATY 6 TERRITORY AND THE HOMELAND OF THE MÉTIS.
NATASHA LUCKHARDT
The Link (Concordia University)
MONTREAL (CUP) — Headlines of cocaine-induced rehab stints are old news in the celebrity world and the days of checking into rehab for “exhaustion” seem to be over. The cases of Russell Brand, Jesse James and Tiger Woods indicate that narcotics are so passé.
Today’s drug of choice? Sex.
The term “sex addiction” has dominated the tabloids in recent years. This phrase has created a divide in the mental health world in terms of its legitimacy.
On the supportive side is Montreal-based psychotherapist Jason Phelps, who opts for the term “sexual dependency” as opposed to the more colloquial term of sex addiction. According to Phelps, celebrities are not the only ones who are affected by sexual dependency.
“It’s not just crazy people that have it, it could be your dentist, your doctor, your friend, your neighbour, your father,” he said. “It affects all levels of the population. People rarely know people have this problem.”
The problem became clear to Phelps about three years ago as he was getting increasing amounts of patients coming in with sexual dependency issues. Since then, he says that one third of his patients are afflicted with such compulsions.
“It’s usually about feeling the need to have sex or engage in seductive activity,” he explained.
He says the most common form of sex addiction is the desire to achieve orgasm on a regular basis, leading to addictions to pornography and masturbation.
While Phelps is comfortable treating these issues, some mental health professionals are not convinced that sex can be a legitimate addiction.
Marty Klein, a certified sex therapist in the United States, raises many objections to the concept and treatment of what he calls the “sex addiction movement.” Klein says the movement has led to the distortion of what constitutes a sexual disorder counsellor.
In addition to people self-diagnosing, he says “non-sexologist professionals, such as ministers and doctors, are diagnosing some of their clientele as sex addicts, too. As a result of these trends, many people who should be seeing therapists or sexologists are not. And many who don’t need ”˜treatment’ are getting it.”
Klein wonders if the 12-step model of Alcoholics Anonymous is suitable for treating sex addictions.
Joshua* thinks so. (Editor’s note: name has been changed)
Originally from Eugene, O.R., Joshua came to terms with his sex dependency in 1995 when he turned to the Yellow Pages, searching for a counsellor.
“When I told the counsellor that I was a sex addict, she asked me how I knew that. I simply told her that I’m doing sexual things, cruising for sex and cannot stop.”
While admitting it was the first step, he couldn’t seem to make any progress as he simply lied to his counsellor when he relapsed.
Now 41, he looks back and says he has no idea how he knew he was a “sex addict,” a term that was not widely used at the time. From the time he made that first call, he could not seem to get the term out of his head.
“It’s not the actual sex act that’s the high,” he said. “It’s always the preparation, the things leading up to that. Once you peak or orgasm, that’s actually the down part: reality starts sinking in again, so you have to do it all over again. It becomes a vicious cycle.”
A year after meeting his counsellor, he joined Sex Addicts Anonymous. He saw it as his last chance.
“I realized that I’m in this program to save my ass, basically, because if I didn’t, I was going to die from an STD, homicide or suicide,” Joshua explained. He adds that he risked his life on a regular basis, frequenting parks and public restrooms for sexual relief with strangers.
However, he could not imagine expressing his story to a room full of unfamiliar people. “My first impression was ”˜how the hell do sex addicts get sober?’” he said, while laughing.
The image he musters is of a circle of old men in dark trench coats that would all become monks when they became sober. His expectations were far from the reality of the actual meetings.
For Joshua, a large part of this new life is being able to lead a healthy sex life with his partner, and enjoy other activities such as cooking and exercise.
Joshua now dedicates his spare time to making sure others have the opportunity to start fresh. When he is not working his maintenance job, he is organizing SAA meetings.
After immigrating to Montreal in 2008 to start a reformed life with his partner, he founded the Montreal SAA chapter in May 2009. The biggest challenge Joshua has faced in its creation is the considerable cost of renting a space, as the individual members who set up the meetings are responsible for funding them.
SAA, which was created in the 1970s, has flourished in the U.S., but has yet to generate much visibility in Canada, a reality Joshua is determined to change. While the popularity of the group is uneven throughout North America, the philosophy behind SAA is universal. The recovery route is mapped through 12 stages, a common technique amongst addiction counselling groups.
“What we like to say is: ”˜The 12 steps just keep us from killing ourselves, the 12 traditions keep us from killing one another,’” said Joshua.
The 12 traditions are guidelines to protect the recovery of each individual member. For SAA, the first step embodies what desires you are powerless against, whereas the remaining ones are focused on a positive solution, a forward-looking approach that sets the group apart from other sex therapy groups.
Klein is critical of the philosophy of such groups.
“By encouraging people to ”˜admit’ that they are powerless, the concept of sexual addiction prevents people from examining how they come to feel powerless and what they can do about that feeling,” he said.
Joshua explains that after admitting to the surface problem, the rest of the steps help examine the underlying issues and find a way to lead a healthier lifestyle.
Phelps says the three most common forms of sex addiction are pornography, masturbation and sex dependency (where people desperately seek sexual partners in places such as escort services).
As in Joshua’s case, the most common form is pornography addiction. Both Joshua and Phelps view the Internet as a driving force for this obsession.
“A lot of people say that [Internet] porno is the crack cocaine of sex addiction,” Joshua said.
Ultimately, the addiction is supposedly conquered by a higher power. Joshua says a lot of people have concerns about embracing religion.
“And that’s fine. I don’t trust God either,” he said, with a laugh. “Over time and over a lot of experiences, we get to see how that particular higher power is working for us, rather than against us.”
The principle of equality is mirrored in the reflective meetings, where there is no official leader, but rather someone who does the “formatting” as a service to the group. Joshua says that he has met most of his friends at the Montreal meetings, as well as in the Eugene SAA program — where he became sober.
For certain people, there can be a coexistence of two addictions. While Joshua has seldom been confronted with this issue, he says that many of the people have cross addictions, most of which involve overeating.
In the group, there are six men who attend the meetings on a regular basis. While the male dominance is a pattern across the SAA, Phelps says women also suffer from sex addiction, mostly in regards to codependence or love addiction or the desire to feel desired.
“Some people say, ”˜Oh that’s a good addiction to have’ and I roll my eyes and say ”˜Yeah, whatever.’ They don’t realize the impact the actual sex addiction has,” said Joshua.
In addition to controlling peoples’ lives, it can take away their lives.
“It can be dangerous with the extreme example of people being put in prison for their actions, in terms of child sexual abuse, homicide, suicide or contracting an STD.”
The most tragic consequence Joshua has heard at SAA conventions was someone asphyxiating himself. A father and son both had sexual dependency issues; the son’s manifested itself in experimentation with auto-erotic asphyxiation, while the father had an obsession with strip clubs and prostitutes. The son did not make it.
“He died from asphyxiation and his father was in the program and he had to go through that and tell the fellowship [at the convention],” Joshua recalled.
While Joshua has witnessed the darkness of sex addiction, he remains positive that the program can transform people’s lives.
“I think one of the greatest things [about being] in the program for a long time is to watch those people come in and see them change over time. The thing that the Eugene SAA offered to the people was hope that you can get through this,” he said. “There is a life after sex addiction.”
He recognizes the difficulties — he even had his own hiccup after nine years of sobriety.
“My experience has been that sex addiction can stop, but you have to do certain things. It’s kind of like being a diabetic — you can control it in a sense that if you take care of yourself, eat right, check your blood sugar, all those things, you can take care of it.”
Nearing five years of sobriety, Joshua remains positive that the support of the group will help him support a healthy lifestyle.
