Exploring the blurry line between protecting your peace and neglecting your people.

There is a half-whispered phrase that floats around our generation: “I am just putting myself first.” This sounds noble and even empowering. We have been told a million times by all kinds of social media influencers to take care of ourselves, to set boundaries, to stop pouring from an empty cup. We of course listened, but somewhere along the way, some of us forgot the part where being kind to ourselves does not mean being cruel to everyone else.

What no one really wants to say out loud is that some of us are confusing selfishness with self-care. We are excusing rudeness, flakiness and outright indifference as “just protecting my peace.” What is worse about this whole thing is we are applauding it. However, not everything done in the name of self-love is loving. Sometimes, it is just lazy — or worse, masked cruelty.

Being kind is work and should not be overlooked as an attribute anyone can possess naturally. It takes effort to text someone back when you are drained. It requires thought to phrase your boundaries with grace instead of using them like bricks to wall people out. It is easier — so much easier — to ghost, to cancel plans with a vague “not feeling it” or to justify a sharp tone with “I am just being honest.” Honesty is not a get-out-of-kindness-free card. If the truth you are speaking slices through someone like a paper cut to the soul, maybe you need to check if your “truth” is just emotional shrapnel.

Somewhere between self-care becoming a buzzword and therapy speaking becoming part of our regular vocabulary, we started branding everything as “boundaries.” We treat people like Wi-Fi networks — if they drain our battery, we disconnect. Block. Mute. Unfriend. There are times when that is valid, necessary even. Toxic relationships do not deserve front-row seats to your life. However, not every awkward interaction or emotional inconvenience is toxic. Sometimes it is just the uncomfortable reality of being a person in a world full of other people. We are not all here to be your curated peace palace.

Being unkind and calling it “putting myself first” is like skipping leg day and saying it is for muscle recovery. It is not entirely false — but you know that is not what is really going on.

In no way am I saying that you are not allowed to have boundaries, let me make that very clear. You are allowed to cancel when your mental health is in the basement, to walk away from situations that crush your spirit, to say no to things that do not serve you. However, there is a difference between honoring your needs and building a personality around being unavailable.

Kindness does not require you to be a doormat. You do not need to say yes to every ask, show up when your tank is empty or respond to every late-night crisis text like you are on emotional call duty. Kindness does, however, ask you to be intentional. It asks you to communicate, so you do not leave people hanging in the name of “not having the energy.” Kindness requires you to treat people like humans, not background characters in your self-actualization story.

We are being told that being selfish is a revolutionary act, especially for those who have been conditioned to people-please. I understand that for many, learning to prioritize yourself can be a seismic shift and that being selfish is sometimes necessary but we should not aspire to practice it daily.

In a world where it is trendy to detach and romanticize solitude, choosing to show up with empathy, patience and warmth is rebellious in its own way. Being kind is not weakness, nor is it passivity. It is a choice, and often, the harder one.

We have all met the person who says “I am just being real” and then proceeds to weaponize honesty like a chainsaw. This idea that we owe the world nothing, that we are the main characters and everyone else is just extra can be an appealing one to believe and may fulfill our desire to be extraordinary within a crowd. However, in reality life is full of miscommunication, forgiveness and patience. It is crucial to learn to say no without burning a bridge, and to rest without pretending your relationships do not need watering.

Being kind does not mean abandoning yourself to meet others’ needs, but neither does self-care mean abandoning others in the name of you. It is not about swinging the pendulum from martyrdom to megalomania, but about balance.

So how do you know when you are being kind to yourself versus just being kind of a jerk? Ask yourself this: is your decision grounded in care or convenience? Are you avoiding hard conversations by calling them boundaries? Are you leaving people better than you found them or just leaving them, period?

Kindness can coexist with self-respect, just as boundaries can coexist with softness. You can say “I cannot take this on right now” in a way that still affirms the other person’s dignity. You can take space without making someone else feel like trash for needing you. You can be tired and still be thoughtful.

It is not about perfection but about trying. It is about recognizing that kindness, like self-care, is an active practice. Some days you will get it wrong by saying the wrong thing, disappearing when you should have shown up or letting your irritation spill out on someone who did not deserve it. What differs selfishness from self-care though is reflection. It is being willing to look at your behavior and asking yourself if you were being kind. If there are times where you were not, there is no need to spiral in shame, but an opportunity to learn and do better next time.

Take care of yourselves and of each other. We are not meant to move through this world like isolated creatures — we very much need each other. 

It takes a special strength to be kind, especially when it is inconvenient.