DORIAN GEIGER
Arts Writer

While attending a press conference during the Vancouver Olympics, I came face to face with likely the most iconic personality to bless the MuchMusic airwaves during the late ’90s — none other than Nardwuar the Human Serviette.

Once I locked eyes with Nardwuar, he handed me his camera and told me to chase after him and the speed skating team as they were being escorted by a handful of police. I then snapped a picture of him and speed skater Charles Hamelin for his blog.

Afterward I sat down with the outspoken Nardwuar to talk about a variety of things, all of them funny and weird.

The Sheaf: I remember watching you on MuchMusic back in the day. Do you still work for Much?
Nardwuar: I did freelance stuff for MuchMusic but they’re no longer interested in my freelance contributions.

Sheaf: Really? That’s too bad. How come?
Nardwuar: I think they said that they were reinventing themselves. I was just a freelancer, so I’d just mail stuff in and I didn’t really get a chance to meet anybody, but I did over the years meet people. I got a photo with George Stroumboulopoulos. He was very nice.

Sheaf: So what brings you to an Olympic speed skating press conference?
Nardwuar: I’ve been covering all the different events for the Olympics, so I thought if I’d have the opportunity to go to a press conference and speak to a team that won a gold medal and Charles (Hamelin), who won two gold medals, you might as well go for it. When’s that going to happen again?

Sheaf: You asked Hamelin about the Planet Smashers. It caught the entire press theatre off guard. Why ask a question about music at a sporting press conference?
Nardwuar: It’s a bit different. They’re French, and that’s why I tried to bring up French punk rock. (Hamelin) does listen to the band the Planet Smashers, which is amazing. It’s really cool for that band to get some props. He listens to a local (Quebec) ska band, so indirectly that local ska band helped him win a gold medal — who knows?

Sheaf: What gave you the crazy idea of breaking through the police escort formation to get a picture with the gold medalist Hamelin?
Nardwuar: I really appreciate the help you gave me to be able to run after him. That was incredible. I asked if I could get a photo with him and he said “sure” and then the (speed skating team) started walking away. Then I saw you and I thought “let’s run after them.”

Sheaf: You were able to meet Mr. Terminator himself ”“ Arnold Schwarzenegger — at the International B.C. Media Centre. What was that like and what did you say to him?
Nardwuar: Arnold Schwarzenegger came here and I asked him about his Total Body Workout record, which is a vinyl record. I brought the vinyl record with me and stood at the mic and showed the record to him and asked him to comment on it and asked him how it influenced his decision making skills and that sort of stuff.

Sheaf: Schwarzenegger has his own musical LP from way back?
Nardwuar: The Total Body Workout! And it’s him talking over Journey songs. Like him going, “One, two, three. Okay. Lift your legs.”

Sheaf: Well, I think that about wraps this up. Thanks again for talking with the Sheaf.
Nardwuar: So you’re from the Sheath?

Sheaf: Not “the Sheath.” Not like a condom. Like a sheaf of wheat.
Nardwuar: I think I have actually sent some records of my band the Evaporators to the Sheaf. I have sent full reviews to you guys in years past. Like it’s been going for a while hasn’t it?

Sheaf: Yep, since 1912.
Nardwuar: Many years. Is the Sheaf in Saskatoon?

Sheaf: Yes.
Nardwuar: What’s interesting about that is that Amigos is there. And that’s my favourite club in the world! And I love it because more bands have been fucked, sucked and chucked at Amigos than any other club because they used to have a band room, right? So all the fans would move themselves right upstairs, so a lot of craziness went on at Amigos. They don’t have a band room anymore.

More bands have been fucked, sucked and chucked at Amigos than any other club.
-Nardwuar the Human Serviette

Sheaf: Okay. Amigos seems to humour you. Go on.
Nardwuar: I don’t think other bands understand it. Like, I saw an interview with some band — I forget who it was, some British band — and they described the low light of their career as playing at a Mexican restaurant in Saskatoon. Now I was thinking, “That’s fucking Amigos! How dare they diss that place!” Bands play there and get to have a free meal and get the band room. What a bunch of idiots. They might think that’s funny, but it isn’t! It’s the best place in the world. I love Amigos.

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photo: Dorian Geiger