BLAIR WOYNARSKI
Arts Writer

Sometimes people act in ways that aren’t entirely rational. For instance, ever since I first heard about it, I’ve been really excited about seeing Legion. Time went on and no matter how bad it looked or how many people prophesized its dismal failure, I was committed to seeing it. I wasn’t about to let RottenTomatoes.com browbeat me into avoiding it; I had to see it for myself.

The reason for my dedication was simple: Paul Bettany. This extraordinary British actor, with his sexy, haunting eyes, has ranked as one of my favourite performers since he broke out onto the scene nine years ago with A Knight’s Tale.

He continues to be underappreciated, and while the good roles go to Christian Bale and Johnny Depp, his career has followed a less auspicious path through films like the would-be psychological thriller Firewall and the what-more-needs-to-be-said adaptation of The Da Vinci Code. And, of course, this gem here.

Most of Legion takes place in a decrepit gas station diner in the middle of the Mojave desert. Dennis Quaid plays the proprietor of the establishment; Bob Hanson plays a surly old man with a heart of gold (which seems to be all anyone will trust him to play these days); Lucas Black plays his son, Jeep (yes, his name is Jeep), a saint-like do-gooder who is hopelessly in love with Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), who carries a child of mysterious origin.

Divine conception is a possibility, but Charlie has sex with so many guys up and down the desert that she doesn’t realize it. Regardless, her baby is the saviour of the human race and so the archangel Michael (Bettany) has come barrelling down to Earth to protect it.

It seems that Michael is disobeying Daddy’s orders because God is now so pissed off with humanity that he’s sending an army of angels to destroy Earth. Michael’s rival Gabriel (perennial that-guy Kevin Durand) is leading the attack. It comes down to an old-style stand-off in this diner while angel-possessed humans swarm from all (i.e. two) directions.

The cast is rounded off with inspirational black guy (Charles S. Dutton), black guy with a criminal past but a good heart (Tyrese Gibson), hot chick (The O.C. alumna Willa Holland) and hot chick’s disagreeable parents who are always the first to do something stupid. Each character fills their niche without even hints of character development, except through carefully planned heart-to-heart conversations that all occur within the first third of the movie. The end result is something like Lite-Brite: you put all the colours where they’re supposed to go and the picture ends up looking how it’s supposed to, but it doesn’t leave you with a huge sense of accomplishment.

Still, the movie isn’t all bad. The problem is simply that you never know when it takes itself seriously. Certain things like Michael blowing a cross-shaped hole in a wall and a demonic old lady biting people and climbing walls cannot possibly have been inserted with a straight face, but there is no levity overarching the movie.

Bettany plays every scene with his trademark intensity but it begins to feel out of place. Michael’s conflict with Charlie, who has trouble buying into the idea of her child being the saviour of mankind, is supposed to provide the primary character drama of the movie, but it never really goes anywhere and only gets resolved by a magical change of character.

In spite of plentiful dramatic flaws, however, it’s a fun ride. It gets to the action quickly and there are plenty of moments to make you laugh, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Bettany does a convincing job as Michael and looks good rocking an M4. He also has a decent fight scene with a mace-wielding Gabriel.

The action is entertaining, though there isn’t as much as one would assume, and what is there appears to draw inspiration from online flash games. One scene near the beginning, with our heroes on the roof shooting at an endless stream of angel-possessed zombies trying to prevent them from breaking into the diner, was quite reminiscent of a number of lunch breaks I’ve spent at work wasting time on AddictingGames.com.

Legion isn’t the worst movie you will see this year. It falls solidly into the category of mindless action. If you could stomach Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, you won’t have a problem making it through this one. But if you want to see a good rendition of a Biblical apocalypse, then I suggest you pick up 2005’s Supernatural.

As for Paul Bettany, I’m sure that Creation, which also comes out this month, will serve his creative energies better.