GREG SODEN / CAMILLE SPERLING
Opinions Writers

One night, a group of us were sitting around before heading to Amigos for King Khan and BBQ Show. We were on the topic of concerts when the conversation turned to the groups of people that will always be in attendance at any show larger than 30 people. We were laughing and discussing some of our concert experiences and decided to profile seven groups that, if you look for them, you will notice at any concert you attend.

The creepy old man

You know this guy; you especially know this guy if you’re a girl. He is planted firmly at the bar or in a corner. He always has a half-full beer and any time you look his way, he is leering back at you. The creepy old man is not in attendance to appreciate the music.

The obscenely drunk girl

Everyone has been to a show and seen “that girl.” After pounding seven drinks in 45 minutes, she will receive a text message or a phone call that will infuriate her. Or, she will get angry and spend half the night in the washrooms engaged in a verbal sparring match with her female cohorts. Their conversation usually goes something like this: “Don’t get mad at me because you can’t control your boyfriend! It isn’t my fault he sent me those text messages! Bitch!”

Unfortunately, these girls usually have no recollection the next morning of the band that was playing, but will continue to frequent hyped up concerts in search of the next big drama.

The front row singers

There are two types of front row singers: the unlikely front row singer and the emotional woman front row singer.

The unlikely front row singer is someone who at first glance would not appear to have such an intense love for the music they are singing along to. For example, have you ever seen that guy against the stage at a Tegan and Sara show, eagerly mouthing along with every lyric while shaking his hips back and forth?

Next up is the emotional woman front row singer. This woman believes that the lead singer is singing directly to her and that her destiny in life is to be with this person. This woman sings every word with passion and could probably recite a mini-biography of the lead singer if asked. She is always on the verge of tears when singing along.

The stone-faced, earplug wearing, crossed-arms serious types

This group appears to be the antithesis of fun, and are often questioned by others if they are, in fact, having a good time.

Rest assured, this group is having immense amounts of fun.

These guys are there purely for the music, and regard concerts as a sort of alternative music education. They want to catch every little nuance in the musicianship. They want to hear the notes, the rhythms and the harmonies, and will most likely silently evaluate each band member’s technical facility on their instrument.

They don’t like getting bumped into because it derails their concentration on absorbing the music. One day, people in this group will snap and beat the crap out of most of the audience.

The dressed-to-impress high school girls wielding cameras

These girls require a minimum of two hours to ready themselves for a night out. They do not care about the band that is playing. The next day, hundreds of photos will emerge on their Facebook pages with an album entitled “wicked tunez, lol.” Every photo — which is taken by one girl in the group by extending her arm out and holding the camera towards the group — will include these girls with their cheeks pressed together with huge, intoxicated smiles and half-closed eyes.

There are no photos that include any musician from any band that played.

The “Air-Musician”

This dude is an aspiring drummer, guitarist or bassist. He will mime every action of whichever musician he chooses to emulate. Often, many of us might be guilty of this, the air-musician will switch instruments during moments of prominence. For example, switching instantly from air drumming during the drum solo from Kashmir’s take on the Led Zeppelin classic “Moby Dick” to electric guitar as soon as the rest of the band rejoins. The air musician is oblivious to anyone’s personal space and couldn’t care less.

The girls who sneak to the front row at the last minute

They are all short and dressed in sparkly clothing. They hang out in the back and chat all night long as the floor by the stage fills up with serious concert-goers considerate enough to stake out their territory early. These girls spite the early birds. They will wait until the band is on the stage, then, hand-in-hand, form a line and pull each other through the throngs of pissed off people near the stage to claim their “rightful” space front and centre.

Upon reaching their destination, they will proceed to dance, giggle, chat and text, occasionally surveying the crowd to ensure everyone is watching their antics. Yes, these girls are our favourites too.

Though it may seem like we are poking fun at these various types of concert-goers, the opposite is true. We are quite appreciative of the entertainment value they provide at any show. Concerts provide prime people-watching opportunities well worth the cost of admission.