Dear Jaclyn,

Recently, I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my partner’s unwillingness to take me on dates instead of just hanging out in their basement. Before we started dating, they used to get me flowers every weekend that we saw each other and would take me out for food all the time. But they’ve been super distant and have been acting like it’s not as important to them anymore because we’re already together. It’s not like I don’t make an effort either though. I’ve done lots for them too and I’ve been doing a lot for them recently to make up for what’s missing, but I feel like they just don’t care anymore.

What should I do to get them more interested in spending time with me?

Sincerely,

Netflix and Chilled 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Netflix and Chilled, 

It sounds like you’ve exited what’s often known as the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship. You may be thinking that it’s too early for this part to be over, but every relationship is different. I find that the more chemistry or connection you have with someone, the more quickly you become relaxed around that person. 

But unless your partner is completely ignoring you or actively trying to avoid being around you, I wouldn’t necessarily say they are no longer interested in spending time with you. I can relate to feeling like your partner isn’t paying enough attention to you, because I’ve experienced that feeling before. And this is often where couples are tested. 

There are so many ways this type of issue can end, but it all comes down to communication. It sounds like a broken record to some, but having the capability to communicate in a healthy, respectful, and calm way is critical to a long-lasting relationship. Knowing your partner’s communication style is also important. 

I’m the type of person who needs to talk things out right away, and my husband is the complete opposite. And boy, does this ever challenge me. But, because I know how he deals with confrontation and how he communicates, I know that I need to be patient. This goes both ways, too. Sometimes I overthink, and ramble about things that I don’t mean, but because my husband knows how I deal with stress, he doesn’t hold that against me. 

So to get back to your question, I don’t think the issue is that your partner is not interested in spending time with you. They enjoy spending time with you, as it sounds like you see each other every weekend. There may be several reasons why they seem distant. But I think communicating to them how you want to spend that time together may be important. 

It’s also important not to sound demanding because that just adds to the “nagging” partner brand that everyone is familiar with. It’s subtle hints, compliments and flattery that really make an impact. 

For example, instead of saying “You never buy me flowers anymore, or take me out on dates, do you even like me?” try saying “Remember those beautiful flowers you got me a few weeks ago? I really loved how you took time to choose and buy them for me. That really made me feel special. And remember we went out to dinner and had so much fun out at [whatever restaurant you went to]. I would love to go again soon.”  

Being able to communicate your needs without blaming the other person is an important skill to develop. But also, expecting the other person to constantly be fulfilling your needs 100 per cent of the time, all the time, is honestly unfair. Being in a long-term relationship will get exhausting if you have that mindset. 

Another thing to keep in mind is that you can’t fill a glass from an empty jug. Perhaps your partner is distant because they’re not doing well? Maybe they’re distant because they’re struggling with something and they don’t want to burden you with the details? 

Being vulnerable in front of someone is difficult. Even if you’re in an intimate relationship with the person. Vulnerability is uncomfortable. It takes great strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person. So if you decide to communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling, make sure you prepare to not only share your feelings with them, but to also offer a safe space for them to do the same. 

TL:DR 

Being able to communicate your needs without blaming the other person is an important skill to develop. But also, expecting the other person to constantly be fulfilling your needs 100 per cent of the time, all the time, is honestly unfair. Being in a long-term relationship will get exhausting if you have that mindset. Check in with your partner to see how they are doing. If you decide to communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling, make sure you prepare to not only share your feelings with them, but to also offer a safe space for them to share theirs as well.