Although it seemed like spring would never arrive considering the icy apocalypse we lived through this past February, April has come and everyone’s favourite season, finals, has finished ripping our souls apart.

Maybe you killed it, raked in those 90s and are now among the ranks of high honours. Or  perhaps you ended up with a less-than-satisfactory 80 or 70 and are now kissing your chance at med school goodbye. Maybe you are one of those poor souls who went to catch that 50, only to watch it slip from your grasp.

If you are on track to disappointing your family with your shit grades and lack of achievement, the Sheaf has compiled a list of alternative career options just in time for the spring semester and another round of finals.

Influencer
Everyone with Instagram and a questionable integrity can be an influencer, right? Selling out is the first step to lifting yourself out of the world of minimal passes, student debt and years wasted crying over your notes in the Murray Library at 1 a.m. 

Why not get on the ‘gram and let your smartphone — and self-loathing masked by filters — light your way. You know you are just a few selfies away from securing a product deal. Your parents might still be just as disappointed if you finished your arts degree, but at least you have followers watching your stories and using your code at checkout.

Essential oils entrepreneur
Not quite savvy enough or have quite the pull for the golden crown of social media? Well, time to crack your knuckles and start with some simple Facebook sales spams.

Follow in the footsteps of the pros you already have on your friends list who are hawking beauty products and diet solutions. Perhaps now is the time to break into the essential oils scene. Want to boost your energy with the gentle mist of freshly peeled oranges? Want to live forever? The answer is in the oil. Now, send that mass Facebook message to everyone you knew in high school  — don’t forget the exclamation points!

Cuddler
Were the Netflix binges and naps your fatal flaws that led to this shame spiral? Are you lonely and in need of human affection? Take the opportunity to do what you love and climb Maslow’s hierarchy of needs by becoming a professional cuddler. 

Put up a poster in the Arts Tunnel or hand out your homemade business cards in the Bowl. You may not ever become self-actualized, but at least you will get a boost of dopamine that your shitty psych degree could never give you.

Meme page admin
We are all salivating for the sordid tales from the bowels of You Sask Confessions. Why not be the lord of the anonymous posts — the invisible administrator privy to all the deepest, darkest secrets, ready to tarnish the university’s reputation.

Imagine the power you will wield knowing the identities of those thirsty, damaged individuals who must confess their sins for public flogging. Join the dark ranks of administrative apprentices. You can quit that Edwards degree because, my friend, you’ve finally made it. 

Starbucks barista that calls themself an author.
Stay up all night jacked on those trenta cold brews, chain vaping those mango Juul pods because you are trying to quit smoking. You need to finish your novel, and you must bang it all out on that vintage typewriter you picked up at Value Village. You have unburdened yourself from that English degree, and now you will break the bonds of coffee chains. You’re an author, damn it, a true literary god just waiting to be discovered.

Sure you’ve only written 500 words, but it took Ezra Pound 57 years to finish The Cantos, and if he hadn’t died, it might have taken him 57 more! You may have given up on your degree, but you can’t give up on your dream or this job because your power bill is three months past due, and you have an open tin of cat food to last you until payday.

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Erin Matthews / Opinions Editor

Graphic: Mỹ Anh Phan