Aries: March 21 – April 20 Pro tip: if you walk into the rain, no one can see you cry.
Taurus: April 21 – May 20 Do not venture into the tunnels after dusk; the humans are out for Minotaur blood.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20 That doppelgänger you conjured last month may be plotting to smother you in your sleep, but at least, you have someone to write your finals for you.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22 Don’t count your teeth before they hatch.
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22 Maybe the chicken crossed the road because she just wanted to get the fuck out of here.
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 If you sit very quietly in desk 274 of the airplane room, the ghost of Torvaldson will whisper the Sagas to you.
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 Te truth is worth its weight in mud.
Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 I guess there is nothing lef to do but fuck like the rabbits we are.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 There is no better time to drop everything and run naked through the Bowl. Just don’t forget your knee brace.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 When the pelicans return to the South Saskatchewan, your plan will be set in motion.
Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 Sometimes dusty boxes aren’t meant to be opened: has Pandora taught you nothing?
Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20 Find a puddle to drown inhoroscopes