Aries: Tim Hortons now has all-day breakfast.

Taurus: You’ve got a lot of extra baggage — don’t carry on what you don’t need to fly with.

Gemini: If you sit long enough at his bronzed feet, the ghost of Farley Mowat will tell you to drop out.

Cancer: If it snows this month, it’s because of your shitty sense of humour.

Leo: Every new student group you join is just a thinly veiled attempt at self-promotion.

Virgo: You can’t colour co-ordinate a broken heart.

Libra: After the autumnal equinox you will no longer have a shot at attaining Big Dick Energy.

Scorpio: If you’re not in it to win it, you’re out — you get it?

Sagittarius: Don’t walk by the river at night.

Capricorn: When you really think about it, the inevitability of death is less like a void and more like an ominous orifice.

Aquarius: Wash, rinse and repent.

Pisces: There is a portal in the Arts Tunnel that only you can open, but if you enter, you can never leave. Will you take the risk?