MARQUIS HALL — A couple of young lovers, who were forcibly removed from the salad bar in Marquis Hall after getting raunchy in the romaine, are now arguing that U of S Protective Services acted without cause.

Two students are facing academic penalties and criminal charges for committing an indecent act in public following an incident that took place on Dec. 1. Eye-witness reports say that the two students entered the facility around 1 p.m., quickly got handsy and began to debate the effectiveness of Kraft italian salad dressing as a lubricant, before actually engaging in intercourse.

Sergeant John Broyle was first on scene to respond after Protective Services received complaints of covert copulation near the curried cauliflower.

“They were doin’ it, alright,” Broyle said.

Though Broyle attempted to diffuse the situation verbally, he claims that any effort other than physically removing the individuals would have proven futile, as the students in question were “too in the zone” to hear his initial pleas.

This incident has divided the student body. Though many agree that getting busy in a salad bar is wrong and should warrant punishment, a group has come together in support of the criminal couple.

“Even if those two people were having sex on the salad bar, why do people have call it gross? I don’t think that’s very nice, especially since the U of S puts so many resources into cultivating sex-positivity,” one student said.

The culpable students in question will find out next week whether or not they will be allowed to continue their meal plans.