ATHABASCA HALL — While many foolish students got sucked into expensive dinners and screenings of Fifty Shades Darker, second-year English major Mark Hazelsteven took Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to get some stuff off his Netflix queue.

“Honestly, I just feel bad for my roommate,” Hazelsteven said. “While he’s out there having vigorous sex and eating erotic food or whatever, I’m here in my gym shorts watching Infowars on YouTube and eating Munchie Mix. You tell me who the real winner is here.”

Hazelsteven admits that not having a date was his best decision of 2017.

“Honestly, I thought I’d be super lonely and sad knowing that all my best friends have partners and are sharing their lives with other people, but I’ve already masturbated to Maxim three times today and I had buffalo wings for dinner, so realistically I’m really in no position to complain,” Hazelsteven said.

Hazelsteven went as far as to tell the Sheaf that he hopes to be single next year to repeat the ritual.

“Valentine’s Day is about having a good time, right?” Hazelsteven said. “For some, that may mean spending quality time with your future spouse or expressing human commitment to another person, but for me it means getting smash-ass drunk by myself, listening to Neutral Milk Hotel in my room and not studying for my midterms — to each their own, right?”

At the time of print, Hazelsteven has fallen asleep in his clothes.