A Sheaf guide to not studying

By in Opinions

I would never advocate ignoring your schoolwork, but let’s get real, you’ll be doing that anyways. You’re already reading the Sheaf, so you’re off to a great start. Here are some other ways to not study.

10. Chip at the ice on your driveway: this isn’t necessarily fun, but it is functional and it works on a few levels. If you fall and break your arm, you can get out of writing exams, and you can chip your driveway clean knowing that it’ll be just as bad in a matter of days. Repeat procrastination!

9. Visit the Museum of Antiquities on campus: located in the Peter MacKinnon Building, I really have no idea what the point of this place is. It’s all replicas of famous artworks as well as some not so famous ones — I mean, I didn’t recognize them at all. If you’re dodging responsibilities, or if you just want to gawk at some sculpted dongs for a while, it’s the place to be.

Sheaf Non-Study Guide - Jeremy Britz8. Annotate the lyrics from The Life of Pablo. Kanye West just dropped a new album and it’s bursting with weird references. With lines about Kimoji, the bleaching of both anuses and shirts, GoPros and slow-mo, you’ve got plenty of rhymes to identify and decipher. When you’re done, you can share your insights online.

7. Call Grandma: nothing like catching up with Grandma when you’re putting off a paper! If you’ve got a means of transportation, you could even stop by for a visit in person. Grandma is cool and you might even get some food out of it.

6. Explore inane websites: YouTube is for amateurs. If you really want to waste time try going somewhere else. WebMD.com is good if you want to think you’re dying of everything at once. Bulletins on PAWS will fool you into thinking you’re actually getting work done. If you’re really looking to waste time, theworldsworstwebsiteever.com lives up to it’s name. Surprisingly, it’s not pornography — so what is it exactly? Nothing short of infuriating.

5. Play fantasy pizza: another web adventure, but with a twist. Go on the Pizza Hut website — or Domino’s if you’re feeling risky — and customize the most extravagant, over-the-top pizza you can. Then compare your creation with ones your friends made. If you don’t have friends, simply order the pizza when you’re finished.

4. Figure out what’s actually going on with gas prices. Gas is dirt cheap these days, it’s great! Or wait, is it? Apparently it’s actually really bad. Our dollar is in the toilet too for some reason. We should really get around to figuring out what all this means for Canada and stuff.

3. Alphabetize things: I’m not talking about your movies or your bullshit vinyl collection — alphabetize the truly pointless things, like your pantry. You can do this by food type, by brand name or both. Keep the raisins with the soups or put Bisquick next to the Chef Boyardee. It’s not exactly intuitive to keep the lentils next to the muffin mix, but it’ll sure save you time!

2. Plan a vacation you’re never going to take: it’s like window shopping, but more ambitious. So what if you actually have no intention of ever visiting Australia? That doesn’t mean you can’t look up the cool bars in Perth or see how much it would cost to see the opera in Sydney. Besides, travelling for real is overrated. Why would you go all the way to Florence to see the statue of David when you can look at his dong for free in Saskatoon? I’m starting to understand the purpose of the Museum of Antiquities.

1. Update the apps on your phone: but be warned, this is barely a recommendation. Doing this will ruin your life and is only for the absolutely desperate among you. That said, figuring out what the fuck happened to Snapchat will most definitely take a while.

Image: Jeremy Britz / Graphics Editor