Marginally less painful than watching a Saw marathon.

I love horror movies of all kinds. The feeling I get from being scared, that adrenaline rush — I live for it. However, the Saw horror movies don’t come off as particularly scary. I had only seen the first two movies and I always enjoyed the premise behind Saw, so I felt it was time to finish the journey.

In honour of Halloween, the following are my immediate reactions to all seven Saw movies, written to the movies themselves:

Dear Saw,

I just finished my night class and am going to sit back, relax and take in some horror. It has been a while since I watched you so I look forward to seeing you again.

After about four minutes in, the acting and dialogue are numbing my brain a bit. Especially the doctor who is pretty much the main character. I can tell he’s trying so damn hard. I never really noticed how fast everyone makes connections and discover clues — it feels like I’m watching CSI.

All is redeemed by the presence of Danny Glover who pretty much plays Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon again, but not only is he getting too old for this shit, he is also a huge downer. Still, I am enjoying watching you quite a bit despite the killing of Glover, which should be forbidden, along with the way you just completely hit the audience over the head with the twist. Give the audience some credit! They can figure it out! You don’t have to flashback to the entire movie!

Sincerely,

Nick

Dear Saw II,

Is Saw really a series that should be associated with Roman numerals?

I always associate the use of them with something classy. You are anything but classy. Oh hey, Donnie Wahlberg: the poor man’s Wahlberg! He’s essentially a very drunk-looking Mark Wahlberg. However, he replaced the doctor from the first movie, so that’s fantastic. I have never been so annoyed by an actor in my life. I have seen worse acting, sure. I just hate him without knowing him. It’s completely unfair, but it’s the truth. He just has one of those faces you could punch.

Everything people need to know about you is that you are the movie where Donnie beats the crap out of Jigsaw and then there is a twist that is actually not bad until you ruin it with 10 minutes of flashbacks.

Losing faith,

Nick

Dear Saw III,

Okay, I haven’t seen you and the rest of the films yet. This guy just woke up in a trap and my immediate thought was, “That would be silly.”

I might be more than just a little desensitized to all this by now.

I have watched three of you already and I’m growing exhausted. You feel more like a soap opera than a horror movie. I mean you totally have love-triangle vibes going on right now. Jigsaw’s apprentice Amanda, I don’t know what it is, but I’m really into her. That probably speaks to my character, once again. Wait. What? Jigsaw and his apprentice both die? How the hell are there four more movies?

Befuddled by your existence,

Nick

Dear Saw IV,

You know you’re going crazy when you close your eyes and envision elaborate death traps for no particular reason.

You start with the autopsy of Jigsaw, which would be great if it was all you consisted of. Damn, it’s not.

You really stepped up your game with the brutality of the traps in this one. I would say that’s probably a good thing for this franchise. The mission you give the hero is to save Donnie Wahlberg, because we obviously cannot lose a true hero like Donnie.

He didn’t save Donnie and I have never cried like that before. I completely lost it. I literally wept at his death. But when you’re not setting traps and you follow the police around, it’s like a really bad episode of Criminal Minds.

I wonder who the new Jigsaw is. My twist would be that it’s actually Mark Wahlberg. Call me crazy but besides the awful police parts, I was totally entertained and am feeling rejuvenated by you, Saw IV.

Desperately,

Nick

Dear Saw V,

I am longer feeling rejuvenated.

You are practically a movie consisting only of Saw flashbacks. I could be sleeping right now instead of watching you. I could be sleeping away, dreaming nice dreams of hanging out with Danny Glover. Your lighting is really awful too. Yup, I just critiqued your lighting. Suck it!

I haven’t actually felt tense or scared since the first movie and right now your entertainment value is equivalent to eye gouging.

Bleeding from the eyes,

Nick

Dear Saw VI,

I wish you guys would have just stopped at three (even though four was pretty all right).

You are all basically the same movie with ridiculous twist endings. Half of you are now just flashbacks to the first three.

My brain hurts.

Oh sweet, it’s a flashback to Amanda. You know, that’s the kind of girl a guy could just fall in love with, settle down, start a family and set up diabolical traps for people who don’t value life. A man can only dream.

Praying for a stroke,

Nick

Dear Saw: The Final Chapter,

You are The Final Chapter and I thought you would try to finish it with a bang. Then I saw that you brought the doctor back. Why?

You are absolute trash and I’m only comparing you to your other Saw siblings. You have just become something even more stupid than the last three: a 3D slasher film. The only reason to watch you is because you feature the lead singer of Linkin Park getting killed, which is beautiful.

With every additional one of you guys, the parts that made the original Saw great become distant memories. And after seven tiresome versions of you, my brain is shot. I’m fighting off urges to kill and I certainly do not want to play any more games.

Goodbye cruel world,

Nick

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