When you click “accept friend request” on Facebook, you’re probably hoping for a standard online relationship — some chatting, sharing links, maybe a wall post here or there. Or maybe you just want to have a gander at your new friends’ pictures. However, be on the lookout for the following types of Facebook pals:
Sure, Facebook can be used as a business tool, but the Promoter takes it too far. Every time you log in, you’re bombarded with excited, chaotic posts about club nights and drink specials.
Bands are especially bad for this: “Come see (insert band) at (insert venue) on (insert date)! Tickets only (insert price) but hurry! They’re going fast!” Tickets always seem to go fast.
It’s a competitive world and you want to use every means available to drum up hype. But eventually people start to tune you out, even if you have something interesting to say. The easiest way to spot the Promoter is to look for the guy who has an event poster for a profile picture.
The Proud Parent
I understand that when you have kids, they eat up a huge chunk of your life. So naturally, when you update Facebook, you might be inclined to mention your kids; there’s nothing wrong with that.
But when every single picture and status update is about your kids, I start to wonder if I have accepted your friend request or your two-year-old’s.
The Aspiring Model
The Aspiring Model is either hot and knows it, or thinks there’s a chance she might be hot and needs reassurance. She takes a million pictures of herself in sexy outfits and sexy poses, uploads them, and waits for the comments to roll in.
“OMG Britney you’re SOoOo gorgeous.” “Awww thanks babe! But you’re SO much prettier! Love you betch!”
You’ll almost never see guys do this.
“Wow Derek, you’re looking quite handsome here.” Followed by, “Thanks Marty — but I wish I had your strong jawline.” Doesn’t seem likely.
We get it, bud — you like to drink. Everybody who drinks likely has a few pictures of themselves, bottle in hand, on Facebook. That’s because cameras are often present at events where alcohol is served, and nobody takes photos while driving to work or playing Xbox. But Good-Time Charlie overdoes the party pictures.
In every single photo, he’s hammered. The clothes change, the location varies and the other people in the photos sub in and out, but the theme is the same. The real question is whether Charlie goes out of his way to make it look like he’s wicked popular and always getting dusted, or if he’s actually just always getting dusted.
Debra T. Downer
At the opposite end of the spectrum from Good-Time Charlie we find Debbie, bearer of perpetual sorrow. Every little thing that goes wrong in her life is woefully posted via Facebook Mobile.
“Debbie failed her test. Debbie hates winter. Debbie’s boyfriend is an ass. Debbie’s life is the pits.”
When do you check Facebook? I’m guessing it’s probably when you have a bit of down time. When you’ve got a few moments to relax, you probably don’t want some Buzz Killington reminding you of how awful life can be.
Every time Deb drops a self-pitying status update, I’m beyond tempted to click “Like.”
I Have a Boyfriend
IHBF is in love and wants everybody to know about it. Relationship status is not nearly enough; this couple needs kissing profile pictures, outdoor photo shoots in the winter, daily wall posts reminding each other about how strong their bond is and status updates letting the world know all about what romantic adventures they have planned.
Under “activities,” they should probably just put “Being in a relationship” because that’s pretty much their main focus. IHBF is a dangerous add — if their love doesn’t last, prepare for the fallout.
The Conversation Assassin
You might be an assassin and not even know it. Interesting photos, links, videos and so on have the potential to spark real conversation on Facebook. When you finally have a good discussion going, be it funny or serious, the Assassin swoops in and with one lame or poorly thought-out comment, puts a stop to it.
Pay close attention to your own Facebook dealings: is yours often the last in a long series of comments? You may have inadvertently murdered the conversation in its sleep. The Assassin is highly effective at eliminating the enemy from Facebook. The enemy being, of course, intelligent discussion.
image: The Sheaf on Facebook