MICHAEL CUTHBERTSON
Opinions Writer

A few weeks ago I deleted my Facebook account.

The site responded like a lover hearing the “I don’t think we’re right for each other” speech. It showed me pictures of friends with captions pleading, “Murray will miss you; Chris will miss you,” and so on. Then it asked me, “Why are you doing this? Do you think we spend too much time together? Don’t you feel safe with me?” I simply replied, “You’re ruining real communication,” and with that our love affair was deactivated.

News of the breakup was met with dismay. Several people gave me the exact same response: “Oh, you’re one of those people.” “Those people,” I assume, refers to we barbarians, who like the shit-hurtling ape, can only talk face-to-face. Who, without Facebook, miss all the hot news that flies through cyberspace.

But life after Facebook doesn’t feel any lonelier or subhuman. In fact, I feel closer to people, which in turn has made me feel more human.

Still, every year people seem to favour virtual communication more and more. A recent paper published in the prestigious journal The Biologist reported, “the number of hours people spend interacting face-to-face has fallen dramatically since 1987, as the use of electronic media has increased.” I’m probably quite alone when I say I find this devastating.

Most see Facebook as a convenient, effective alternative to talking with a living, breathing person. I remember a friend telling me, “I like Facebook because you can edit things to sound exactly how you want them to.” He’s right: Facebook gives you the time to sound more clever and eloquent than you actually are.

But let me return for a second to the pre-Facebook, shit-hurtling apes of our past. Here, science has begun to reveal that face-to-face dialogue has a far greater value than we ever thought — even more important than sounding clever.

A recent study by the UCLA School of Medicine found that high levels of social isolation negatively impacts the body’s ability to fight off illness and stress. They attribute this to oxytocin, a hormone that responds to human interactions like “hugging, touch and warm temperature. It is even involved in feelings of trust and generosity.”

If you ask me, Facebook is the antitheses of these interactions. After all, you can’t hold the person whose profile you’re stalking. Moreover, any chronic Facebook user will tell you that Facebook leaves you self-absorbed and paranoid of having missed an all-important social event.

Undoubtedly, most Facebook users know full well these problems. However, like habitual users of anything, they think, “I have my habit under control.” Indeed, many Facebook users maintain healthy social lives. Still, it’s delusional to think that using Facebook — collecting “friends,” broadcasting charming anecdotes and so on — is actually helping you to connect with others.

I’m sure Immanuel Kant would agree with me that Facebook treats people as means and not ends — which he regards as a very bad thing. For example, if you add someone because you want to “pad your stats,” rather than actually wanting to grow closer to this person, you would be treating them as means.

Now, before you respond with “Facebook’s not the problem, you’re the problem,” or “You’ll be back, just wait and see,” I want to make clear that I’m not telling you to quit Facebook. However, I ask that you meditate for a moment on your pre-Facebook life. Was it really so lonely? Were you really that out of the loop? Did you really feel less popular?

Well, that’s all this old-timer has to say. I now open the floor to your spirited defence of the holy and beloved institution of Facebook.