ADAM AVRASHI
CUP Arts Bureau Chief

MONTREAL (CUP) — The 83rd Annual Academy Awards brought very few surprises for the nominated actors, but the millions viewing the telecast were probably surprised by the choice of hosts — and by surprised, I mean bored to tears.

While people usually fear the acceptance speeches from unknown editors and sound mixers, the biggest drag of the night turned out to be the hosts themselves — even James Franco’s attempt at dressing up as Marilyn Monroe was a bust.

At one point early in the evening, Anne Hathaway proclaimed that this year’s ceremony was “the young and hip Oscars.” More like naive and strange.

The producers were naive in thinking that two movie stars with large pearly-whites and bubbly personalities could carry a three-hour-plus affair. Yes, Hathaway can sing on key — although her “On My Own” tribute to Hugh Jackman was on the creepy side and a bit pitchy, dog — and Franco can read broodingly off a teleprompter, but those are not nearly the criteria needed to host this awards show marathon.

The worst part of it all was that every remark, every giggle, every cute little mess-up, felt like it was manufactured. The idea behind this was to make the awards seem wholesome and family-friendly after the acerbic performance by British comedian Ricky Gervais hosting this year’s Golden Globes.

But nothing was more aw-shucks or as nauseating as seeing Anne Hathaway’s mother tell her to stand-up straight during the night’s opening monologue. I get that they wanted to avoid being crude, but this was like watching a three-year-old birthday party led by a second-rate clown.

The producers also had a strange sense of booking, as one of the early presenters was none other than 94-year-old Kirk Douglas, who decided to commandeer as much time as he could muster to talk about how beautiful the Best Supporting Actress nominees were and to talk about his own career. Not only did he come off a lecherous old coot, but his post-stroke slurring made it near-impossible to decipher what he was actually saying.

I watched the whole Academy Awards, from start to finish, and I can honestly say I was bored out of my mind a good 70 per cent of the time. I think I saw a shampoo commercial that was more entertaining than the ceremony.

This is the second consecutive year that the Academy has chosen two movie stars to host the telecast, last year with Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. And if this pattern continues I can guarantee that I will not watch again.

The only individuals who can keep the audience laughing are the true comedians. The best was Bob Hope, but bringing back Billy Cristal would do some good or giving the hosting duties to someone with a sharp wit like Joan Rivers. But if these same family-friendly-obsessed producers are hired next year, don’t be surprised to see the ceremony hosted by the likes of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.