KAROL KUDYBA
424 lbs of Christmas spirit
Step one: don’t do it! Just don’t. It’s not worth it.
First, it’s expensive. Even before all of the slicing, dislocating and stuffing, you have to pay for a turkey, a duck and a chicken — that’s not cheap. But as long as you’re lying to yourself about actually trying to do this, don’t forget to buy a few boxes of stuffing, too.
A common misconception is that to make a turducken, you actually shove one bird into the other. This is not true. What you actually do is de-bone all three birds, then layer them on top of each other so they can be sewn up or tied together. (You’re not actually surprised are you? Really, you are? You do know how big a duck is, right? It’s not really a fist-able animal). De-boning is very difficult (that’s what she said) and should only be done with the proper utensils.
You should start with the chicken because if you completely mess it up — and you will — the mangled chicken will end up being surrounded by six inches of other bird and no one will notice. Also, no one will notice because you’re probably not actually going to make one — stop kidding yourself.
Before you bring out your knife, the wings and legs of the two smaller birds need to be dislocated. Grab each limb and pull. It’ll feel a lot like tearing the arms off of a small child. Listen for the delightful popping sound that lets you know when they’re out. You can then either chop the limbs off altogether or remove the bones through a long and arduous process of slicing and swearing profusely.
You will cut yourself and bleed into the bird while de-boning it. I know this because I cut myself and I’m a better chef than you. How do I know this? Well, I’ve made a turducken before and you haven’t. Now stop interrupting me and listen up — or don’t, I don’t really care.
You need to slice the bird down the spine from end to end. This instruction goes for all three birds — but who cares, you’re not going to get this far anyway. Next, you need to carve around the rib cage, slowly feeling your way around the ribs, almost using the knife like a pencil. If it helps, imagine being a serial killer carving out your victim’s ribcage so you can make a meat suit — a comfy, comfy meat suit.
The duck is the hardest bird to carve due to all the annoying small bones inside. Unfortunately, it is also an irreplaceable part of the turducken, as the giant layers of fat inside the duck keep the whole meal moist throughout the cooking process. Remember to feel around for any leftover tiny bones, or your fictional turducken might end up choking on one of the imaginary guests at the dinner party you’re foolishly planning inside your head right now.
Once the bones are removed, the birds will look flat and lifeless much like myself after an all night Veronica Mars marathon.
When that step is done, you’ll need to layer the birds one on top of the other with the stuffing that you have already made. What, you haven’t made the stuffing yet? I did.
You can then wrap the entire thing in bacon if you want — just for fun. Why not?
Then tie all the birds together — along with the bacon if you have chosen the ultimate meal.
Why are you still reading this? It’s not like you’re actually going to make one. Do it. You won’t do it. I dare you. Tell you what, if you’re actually dumb enough make one over the holidays — and can prove it — come into the Sheaf office and I’ll buy you a beer, or give you one of the many Smirnoff Ices I have hidden around the production office — like the one in the pair of shoes in the bookshelf. They’re everywhere.
Now comes the tricky part: cooking it. A turducken is 30 pounds of solid meat and will take anywhere from eight to 12 hours to cook on a low setting. If you plan on eating it anywhere around dinnertime, you need to put it in the oven at 8 a.m. — which you won’t.
Maybe you’re asking yourself, “But if I turn the oven up, I can cook it in half the time!” If you do that, you’ll end up with a meal much like my ex-girlfriend: burnt on the outside and a heartless bitch on the inside. I’m kidding — she tanned fairly well.
When finished, the turducken will feed approximately 20 people and will be the most delicious thing you’ve ever cooked. Well, at least until you try your hand at a bacon explosion.
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image: Flickr