COURTNEY HUNDSETH
Opinions Writer

I may inadvertently become the most hated person on campus for saying this, but I feel it has to be said. I realize Movember exists to raise awareness for Prostate Cancer — and this is fantastic. However, I sincerely hope most men are going to be stripping themselves of their beloved lip sweaters the second December hits.

It’s not that moustaches are horribly revolting, but come on — they are not for everyone. Let’s look at it this way: a moustache should be treated as an accessory, like scarves, ties or piercings. Not every guy is destined to be the next Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck or Chuck Norris; theses are rare gems. Like a diamond in the rough, one must appreciate that the beauty of a moustache lies in the fact that few possess the ability to wear it well.

Please, refrain from sprouting out pathetic little hairs above your upper lip that smack of low-budget ’70s porn. Not only do they pose a horrible obstacle to kissing (and leave an embarrassing rug burn on our faces), hardly any guy actually looks remotely attractive in a moustache. Perhaps it’s just a jealousy thing on my behalf, who knows. Still, I feel like I have been through a time-warp back to the late ’70s. Walking around the university I feel as though I’m drowning in a sea of greasy, patchy moustaches.

And am I the only one who’s noticed that moustaches add at least 10 years to a guy’s age? I mean come on, if I wanted to hang out with a dad, I would hang out with my own.

Also, if you want to remain off the registered sex offenders watch list, I would advise you stay off the moustache bandwagon. Apparently, pedophile sightings have gone up since Movember has started. That creepy little ‘stache is like wearing a fluorescent placard that reads “Pedo 4 hire”; why not just hang out around playgrounds and elementary schools, while you’re at it?

And then there are the countless war figures that have carried on the moustache tradition. Hitler and Stalin both left permanent stains on the moustache’s global reputation. It goes without saying that Hitler forever ruined the small square ‘stache. Unless you’re a neo-nazi or Charlie Chaplin impersonator, there is no way to ever wear that one with pride. Alongside sex offenders and these notorious figures, famous serial killers also hold a spot in the moustache hall of fame (John Wayne and Jeffrey Dahmer, to name but a few). Don’t be surprised if girls aren’t exactly swooning for your lip fur, with this in mind.

And for the love of God, please stop inquiring about moustache rides. We will politely decline before you even inquire — thank you kindly. Let’s save the moustaches for policemen, dads and hockey players.

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image: Pete Yee