The Sheaf: So what first got you into this evil business, what turned you on?
Satan: Hmm, what can I say? I’m a bit of a sadist (chuckles, sips his virgin’s blood). It’s the only profession that really allows you to explore those qualities. I knew it was for me immediately after I drank the marrow from the splintered femur of my first pet goat, Larry.
Sheaf: Besides taking joy in pain, what makes evil your raison d’etre?
Satan: You know, sinning is just so much more fun. Honestly: pre-marital sex, drug use, black metal — it’s a riot. “Good” people miss the finer things in life. Can you imagine? Some people think yelling “Goddamn it, Billy!” to your youngest son is grounds for seeking redemption. But yeah, I like to treat myself.
Sheaf: Well, speaking of treats, Halloween is just around the corner. Any special plans?
Satan: Eat children, burn a church, watch The Simpsons Halloween special.
Sheaf: Well on that topic, what was with the whole Salem Witch thing? Were the girls really possessed by you?
Satan: No, no that’s an old wive’s tale. I really don’t bother with possessions; too much time with so little impact, you know? And so much clean up! Not worth the effort.
Sheaf: Now that our world doesn’t hold as much sacred, it must be harder to create fear by violating taboos. How has Satan reinvented his malice for the modern age?
Satan: Geez, I don’t think I have. Call me an old soul, but I’m still livin’ in that heyday of evil.
You know, Adolf and I have really forged a strong friendship. Nice guy, great cook!
Sheaf: When was that?
Satan: Stuff like Sodom and Gomorrah. But really even back in World War II, you had sin and evil aplenty — and the creativity and efficiency of it all! Goddamn. You know, Adolf and I have really forged a strong friendship. Nice guy, great cook! I never thought I’d say this, but stuffed okra is quickly overtaking human infant flesh as my favourite meal.
Sheaf: What does the Lord of Darkness do in his spare time?
Satan: Lately I’ve been trying my hand at writing. I’m a lousy writer, but Friedrich has been giving me a few pointers, really working on developing my own auteurial voice and stuff. If I’m not muddled by paperwork I might go for a walk through the Valley of Death or take a dip in Hades to cool off. I’m a fairly outdoorsy guy.
Sheaf: Is the media portrayal of you accurate?
Satan: Well, it’s certainly been hit and miss. Rosemary’s Baby really got me down. But damn, I’d totally impregnate Mia Farrow with the Antichrist. Most movies though, they kind of paint me like “Satan must possess the universe, 24/7.” But I take breaks. I let loose, I tell jokes.
Sheaf: Do you have a joke for us?
Satan: Sure (clears throat). What’s funnier than a dead baby?
Satan: A dead baby in a clown costume.
Sheaf: Whew (wiping away tears of laughter). Well, it’s been a pleasure talking. Final word for the people?
Satan: Can’t wait for you to get here! Good drinks, good conversation. We know how to party.