GARY GRAVEMAKER
Opinions Mortician

Every Halloween at the U of S, strange and eerie occurrences have a way of happening. For those of you who haven’t experienced this first hand, the following is a list of some of the unexplainable, and often times unbelievable, phenomena that have been know to happen on Oct. 31. Before you get too frightened, remember that everything will be back to normal on Nov. 1.

Freaky Halloween occurrences

Post-graduate drama students are able to get a job that actually relates to their degree (fluffing doesn’t count).

Commerce girls wear an appropriate amount of makeup, and commerce boys dress in a manner that doesn’t make them look like wannabe 42-year-old finance turds.

Engineering students are able to get a date (heartbeat conditional), and decide to join a sports team other than beer pong.

It’s possible to walk from one end of the Bowl to the other without getting cut off by a skid steer or crane truck.

Arts and science students get a strange and unusual premonition: the feeling of knowing what they want to do with their life.

The food at Louis’ takes on a semi-solid form, contains sodium and other nutrients and does not resemble a recently euthanized rodent.

Students in medicine temporarily forget that they are better than everyone else, and actually associate with others in lesser colleges. Just kidding. That doesn’t happen, ever.

Members of the Environmental Science Students Society buy their coffee at Starbucks, drive SUVs to school and briefly stop condescendingly preaching the values of sustainability.

Women’s and gender studies students host the annual “Toonie for a Tit-touch” fundraiser for Third World women’s rights.

Law students remove the pickle jars of self-righteousness from their asses for long enough to enjoy life just a little bit.

Tim Hortons has a line with fewer than 5,631 people and serves coffee that is not super-heated to 160 C.

Philosophy students ditch the berets and trenchcoats for Ed Hardy tees and a social life outside of debate club.

Kinesiology students stop wearing performance gear to class and forget to carry around whey protein at all times. They are shortly thereafter expelled en masse from the college.

The USSU actually does something of value and donates their “Just For Men Touch-of-Grey/Hittin’ the Links Fund” to charity.

Agriculture students trade in their Chevrolet 1500s and Ford F150s for hybrids and go to a piano bar to drink imported Belgian beer.

The Sheaf publishes material of a high journalistic standard that is not libellous, offensive, blasphemous or containing a story with a juvenile allusion to poop or kittens.

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image: Adem Djemil