KEVIN MENZ
Associate News Editor

On Oct. 8, the Associated Press Television News confirmed that Kim Jong Un, the youngest dud of Kim Jong Il’s three sons, would become the next leader of North Korea.

Kim Jong Il’s ego proved that the third time’s the charm as he finally spawned the perfect son — one who is “exactly like his father,” according to the memoirs of the dictator’s personal chef.

Kim Jong-nam, the eldest son, has too controversial of a history for his father to appoint him successor: he once tried to sneak into Japan using a fake passport to go to Tokyo Disneyland and ride the rides, which greatly embarrassed his father.

The middle son Kim Jong-chul appears to have never been seriously considered for the throne. According to the chef’s memoirs, Kim Jong-chul has been described by his father as being “no good at life because he is like a little girl” — as opposed to the overbearing and powerful athletes that are Kim Jong-Il and Kim Jong Un.

The chef’s memoirs note that Kim Jong Un “has superb physical gifts, is a big drinker and never admits defeat.”

This is evidenced in the way Kim Jong Un handles his diabetes — by drinking and watching Jean Claude Van Damme movies.

At least the world can rest comfortably knowing this party-loving, mature chubster is about to inherit nuclear weapons.