ASHLEY GABOURY
The Manitoban (University of Manitoban)

WINNIPEG (CUP) — As a female, I lack the ability to grow a moustache.

No, not that bit of fine hair that women have along their lip. Not even if that lip hair is of the darker variety. What I’m talking about is a serious ‘stache, the kind that grows thick and lush and comes to rest just above the mouth, your upper lip’s best friend and neighbour to your nose.

Quite frankly, I have no desire to grow a ‘stache of my own. Rather, I am fascinated by the male celebration of the moustache and the many forms it can take.

My interest with this particular male behaviour was recently piqued when my boyfriend decided he would grow a moustache. He put off shaving for a few weeks until just recently when he decided it was finally time. One razor and 10 minutes later and he was sporting his very own ”˜stache — of the horseshoe variety, I would later learn.

When he finally emerged from the bathroom in all his moustache glory, I was skeptical to say the least. His brother, on the other hand, couldn’t have been more thrilled. Many high fives were to be had while the two discussed its level of “badassness.”

The moustache and my boyfriend were imagined in a variety of fitting scenarios — back alley fights, pick-up driving and the like. They agreed that, with this moustache, my boyfriend would be the envy of all his male colleagues the next day. I just rolled my eyes and secretly hoped that the moustache would only be making a brief appearance.

Its ability to generate excitement is not limited to my boyfriend and his brother. A single Google search will yield millions of results for the word “moustache.” There are even entire organizations — of both the serious and ironic variety — whose entire existence is based on the moustache. According to its website, the American Mustache Institute works to protect “the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached (sic) Americans by promoting the growth, care and culture of the mustache (sic).”

Moustache hysteria knows no bounds, affecting countless men across the globe. This notion is reinforced by the existence of the World Beard and Moustache Championships, an event that has been held across Europe and the United States since 1990. For years, men from around the world have entered this championship to strut some of the most elaborate moustaches there ever were.

Perhaps the most extravagant celebration of the moustache is Movember when men across the world grow moustaches during the month of November in order to raise awareness about prostate cancer. In 2008, Movember raised $2.4 million for Prostate Cancer Canada.

Delving further into the subject of moustaches, I have learned that there are dozens of ways one could style his moustache. These variations far outnumber the ways in which I can think to style the hair on my head — which has significantly more hair than any man could expect to grow on his upper lip.

Some of the more familiar styles include the horseshoe, which is grown down alongside the corners of the mouth. This style is not to be confused with the handlebar, the ends of which are curled upwards. The moustached man could also sport a pencil, a Dali or a Fu Manchu. The possibilities, it seems, are endless.

Indeed the moustache has made many well-known appearances throughout history. Hitler’s toothbrush moustache is infamous; in fact, the inch-wide bit of hair is no longer an acceptable choice. Stalin chose to wear a well-groomed version of the walrus, a fuller style that droops over the corners of the mouth while slightly obscuring it.

Other well-known moustaches include that of Tom Selleck, made famous during the days of the 1980s television series Magnum PI. It is the moustache your moustache wishes it could be.

I simply cannot wrap my head around what makes the moustache something to revere and aspire to. Instead, I see the moustache as a home for lunch crumbs rather than a sign of pure badassness. It doesn’t do anything for me; it’s just some hair on your face that has been wrangled to your upper lip. I can’t appreciate the time and effort it takes to get a full and lush moustache.

It could just be that the moustache is over-hyped, a pointless frenzy stirred up by the guys who wear them. But then again, maybe it’s because I can’t grow one and maybe I’m secretly a little bit jealous.

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image: Robby Davis