Moustache envy

By in Opinions

Opinions Editor

Oh man, I want a goddamn moustache so badly.

In the midst of all this Movember hoopla my desire for that cozy little tuft of hair to comfort my upper lip during the cold winter has increased exponentially. Everywhere I look, So-and-so has minimized his full, totally awesome beard to the more precise form of the glorious and totally underrated moustache. All kinds of moustaches! Everywhere!

All this moustache talk has me wishing I could grow a ‘stache to stroke thoughtfully as I puff away on a pipe or eat drumsticks and such — a perfect little moustache to assert my authority in everything I do.

I think it is fair to conclude that I am suffering from a serious case of moustache envy.

I know what you’re thinking: “If you have moustache envy, why not just take part in the glorious endeavour that is Movember?”

Well, if that is what you’re thinking you are clearly not astute enough to deduce that I am incapable of growing a moustache due to my being a lady (gasp), asshole.

Women aren’t really considered in the festivities of Movember, except that the participants will likely deter a great number of them since I don’t know any chick who wants to get up close and personal with a bona fide perv-stache. Some people would probably think me strange for wanting something like a moustache. It must seem unnatural. These people are cripplingly narrow-minded.

My desire for a moustache is rooted in my desire for something much, much more: power.

The moustache is the ultimate symbol of incontrovertible power. Think about it: Burt Reynolds, Lando Calrissian, Stalin, Jack Layton; the list goes on.

When a mustachioed gentleman enters the room he automatically outranks everyone. Just imagine if a mustachioed lady walked into the room! Everyone would be too busy trying to process what they were seeing to negate her ultimate awesome power. Plus, moustaches serve as an excellent disguise in a tight spot. I could escape to a foreign country, grow a moustache and completely elude my pursuers.

Unfortunately, moustaches on women have been given a bad rep. For some strange reason women with moustaches are not seen as attractive. I call shenanigans on this belief! This stigmatization of women with moustaches is just another one of the hundreds of ways that men try to keep us under their thumbs! A woman should be able to don her moustache without being ostracized to a freak show.

It’s high time that women get over their moustache envy and start thinking about unleashing their own moustaches on the world. How can the sexes ever be equal when men continue to covet the one surefire key to power? Don’t be afraid to dream the impossible dream. Go out there and buy some adhesive and a faux-moustache and wear it proudly.