ANDREW BOECHLER
Opinions Writer

In honour of this month being “Movember” I have decided to write about one of the most infamous muzzies.

One might even go so far as to call it the Dirtiest Muzzy of All Time. I’m speaking, of course, of that filthy little Adolf Hitler muzzy.

Before we get into the meat and potatoes of this issue, I’d like to clarify that I am not a Hitler fan, nor do I think anything he did was good. He was an evil motherfucker. I’m speaking only of his facial hair, which retained its innocence throughout its career.

I don’t believe it’s necessary to give you any background information on Adolf Hitler but his moustache does have a bit of a back-story. The correct name for this style of nose neighbour is the “toothbrush moustache.” It has also been called the “1/3 moustache” and the “soul stache.” According to Wikipedia, it became popular in the 1920s as the working class answer to the flamboyant “Kaiser-style” moustaches of the upper class.

Fast forward to today. If you were to see a man walking down the street sporting combed-over hair and a toothbrush muzzy, you would most likely think to yourself, “Wow, look at that dirty Hitler moustache.” You can argue, but I believe you would instantly associate negative feelings with that person.

This is amazing and perhaps the only case of its kind in history. (If you can think of another, I would love to hear it.) For this reason, you will almost never see the Hitler moustache. Think about that. Hitler was so evil that he made a certain type of facial hair socially unacceptable. Allow that to sink in. Imagine if you did something so outrageously evil that your current hairstyle was forever associated with your deeds.

Some might say that the Hitler moustache has disappeared because it’s not fashionable. I direct your attention to the waxed-tip Texas moustache that you have no doubt seen on occasion. This moustache is hardly fashionable, yet a few die-hards (God bless them) like my Uncle Ron refused to let it go.

I’d like to remind you of another famous face that celebrated the square lip warmer: Charlie Chaplin’s. Nobody would ever say “Look at that Charlie Chaplin moustache. Isn’t that just lovable?”

Most people would almost certainly see Hitler smiling back at them before they would see The Tramp. That’s because Hitler was so godawful that he made you forget anybody else ever wore that style of moustache. While that’s not an admirable feat, it’s definitely noteworthy.

Let’s have a look at some other notoriously evil figures in history. There’s no better place to start than with the Devil himself. The Devil is popularly depicted as being red, carrying a pitchfork, perhaps with horns and a goatee or one of those skinny molester moustaches (the molestache).

Both of those styles of facial hair are still socially acceptable, though the latter is questionable, and the creator of all evil proudly rocks them. Even a small child dressing as a devil for Halloween is rarely frowned upon, unless it’s Junior Healey from Problem Child. Some historians believe the number 666 actually stands for Nero, the Roman Emperor who was particularly harsh on Christians, and not Satan. Yet nobody would think you a bad person for having a goofy, curly bowl-cut like Nero did.

The same is true at the opposite end of the spectrum. If you saw a man with a thick beard and long hair, you wouldn’t think “he must possess the qualities of Jesus.” You would think, “Get a job, you greasy hippie.”

If you plan to participate in Movember, No-Shave November, Neck Beard November or whatever the month means to you, be fresh. Be original. Be innovative. While there’s nothing to be said for being evil, there is something to be said for having a dirty muzzy that will never be forgotten.

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photo: Flickr