How not to get a date in university

By in Opinions

Opinions Writer

The world is abound with self-help books full of methods to help you improve yourself in all kinds of ways. There is always someone who wants to share their sage advice with you so you don’t make the same mistakes they made in their lives.

I thought I would throw my hat into the ring of easy self-help instructions to give you the benefit of my great experience in not getting dates. This will be helpful for those wishing to be monks or nuns as well as those just wishing to be alone.

You would think that the easiest way to accomplish your goal of not getting dates would be to go off into the wilderness and live under a comfy rock but raccoons and squirrels are actually friendlier than you would think. Thus, I shall present you with a few simple methods that have been working for me for nearly seven years and you can start working on securing yourself as single indefinitely.

I have been adhering to all of these principles and have not had a proper date in nearly a decade. That is the experience I bring to the table when telling you how not to get asked out. Hopefully you will find these methods concise, logical and applicable to your own life as you seek to be a sad, lonely person. You can do it if you really try, and remember that I’m rooting for you out there.

Method one: Be really nice
If you treat members of the opposite sex particularly well, they will not feel the need to pursue a romantic relationship with you.

They are already receiving all of the benefits and support they could imagine from dating you, so why would they want to make out with you or go to your family engagements?

Good ways to get this “really nice” persona across include buying them things like food, trinkets and movie tickets; showing concern for their personal well being — phrases like “You look tired,” “What’s wrong?” and “How’s your day been?” work particularly well — and showing keen interest in their hobbies. Doing any combination of these things will make them think of you as “very nice” and therefore not relationship-worthy in any way.

Method two: Get out of shape
No matter how much fairy tales purport that the inside of a person is what matters, most people these days are at least moderately concerned with one another’s appearances.

If you are buff, trim or even svelte, that definitely has to go. Being slim can often get you a date no matter what your personality is, based purely on shallow admiration. If that happens, then all your hard work will have been for naught.

Good ways to improve your physique include leading a sedentary life, spending a lot of time on computers, playing video games, watching movies, reading books, watching television and enjoying a variety of confections including energy drinks. Once you have that out of the way, you won’t have to worry about any physically attractive people asking you out.

Method three: Grow a beard
This works equally well for both men and women. People with beards very rarely get dates. The bigger the beard, the better. Perhaps it is just society’s inability to withstand that much awesomeness in one concentrated area but a great deal of people cannot stand beards.

If you find yourself unable to grow a suitably intimidating beard, false beards are available at many fine retail establishments like dollar stores, costume shops, the Internet and in back alleys (known to the uninitiated as “large rats”). With your beard providing you with a suitably husky appearance, you are ready for method four.

Method four: Be intelligent
“How is a beard a requisite for intelligence?” you may ask. “Use your imagination,” is the answer.

Intelligence is one of the primary driving factors for making one unattractive to the opposite sex. The more intelligent you appear, the more you will seem not to need a relationship. It is largely the bumbling mouth-breathers that people find attractive, as they present a challenge.

The allure comes from the thought that they can change the person: make them into someone respectable through liberal applications of both carnal and emotional love. When you act in an erudite manner (this works better when you actually are erudite but it can be faked with practice) you are seen as independent and possibly able to steer relationships in any direction you choose.

Intelligence scares people.

Easy ways to fake intelligence include breathing with your mouth closed (even if you have no nose, this is very important), wearing glasses, speaking authoritatively on all subjects (even ones you know nothing about) and not participating in violent sports — badminton, tennis and chess are still okay, even encouraged.

Method five: Be clean
This may seem counter-intuitive based on what the media and shampoo commercials say, but bear with me for a moment. Being clean not only includes bathing on a bi-weekly or more frequent basis, but also your actions.

Spitting in public, for instance, though punishable by law, is particularly popular with both the unintelligent and the unclean, already going against two of these methods. Staying away from public expectoration — as well as other acts of public indecency such as defecation and urination — will help you to lead a cleanly life that will make you “no fun at parties” and therefore increasingly unattractive to the opposite sex.

Depending on just how desperate you are to stay single, being clean can also extend to not drinking, doing drugs or having “pre-marital relations” to increase your ostracism from the general university community and making you even less fun at parties (if you get invited to them at all by now).

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