SAM SEXSMYTH
Sex Guru

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. He keeps sending me dirty text messages and wants me to reciprocate but I have writer’s block and can’t think of anything good to say. Help me Sam Sexsmyth, you’re my only hope! 

Sincerely,
Lexicon-less Leia 

Oh Leia, dirty talk is an age-old tradition that dates all the way back to yesteryear. For eons couples have spiced up their sex lives by verbally berating, propositioning and degrading each other. Before we can solve your problem, Leia, we need to explore the aspects of dirty talk, especially since it has special boundaries that need to be respected.  

The most important item to remember is that dirty talk is adventurous and fun; don’t take anything said seriously.

On the other hand, if you’re spouting off some pretty nasty shit, make sure to gauge your partner’s reaction and monitor his or her level of comfort with that style of play. Make sure you aren’t engaging in it every single time, too. Save it for special occasions like birthdays, promotions or Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 9:30 after that stats class that seems to drain the very life out of you.

It’s my belief that couples should not preplan dirty talk. This isn’t like organizing the seating arrangements of a wedding — it should be spontaneous and funky. Don’t be afraid to say things like, “I’m gonna plow you like your uncle Frank did aunt Carol in the coat check at your sister’s wedding!”

On second thought, maybe you ought to leave out the whole wedding theme altogether. Just because you shouldn’t pre-arrange dirty talk with your partner doesn’t mean there’s any harm in preparing a few themes for your own script. This will hopefully curtail the threat of being “a repeater.” This is someone who says the same fucking thing again and again like a broken record.

One of my partners would say, “Oh, you little stinker! Oh, you little stinker! Ohhhhhh, you little stinker!” over and over and over. After our fourth session it got pretty dull. I mean just once I’d like to have been a big stinker. Using different pitch and volume can spice things up but you really need a vast repertoire to draw from.  

Now Leia, you are presented with a unique situation since you are dirty texting and with it comes a sense of clear pre-thought. No one could believe that in the throws of self-pleasure you are able to spontaneously text a message of dirty passion to your lover. Rather, the dirty texts he is sending you are likely being sent out due to boredom, so that perhaps later on he can masturbate to a picture of you and your responses.

With that said, use his surroundings to your advantage. Is he at the office? Well then tell him that you’re going to pour hot, free-trade coffee on his chest, staple his ass cheeks or grate his balls with his keyboard.

The trick is to use what you know of his surroundings but also of his fantasies. Is he a huge Star Wars geek? Use it! Refer to his erection as a lightsaber or your vagina as the Great Pit of Carkoon on Tatooine where the deadly Sarlacc waits to be fed. Just make sure to do your research, there’s nothing unsexier than confusing themes.

One time one of my lovers told me that I, like Galadriel, was more beautiful and powerful than all the elves of Silvermoon City. Well we got into a huge argument and I left, tears streaming down my face as I screamed, “How dare you confuse Lord of the Rings elves with World of Warcraft elves!” Just make sure to put a little effort in and you’ll be fine.  

There you are, Leia. Hopefully you are now better equipped to do some primo dirty texting. As for the rest you readers out there, don’t hesitate to write in with some of your own sex questions.

So I leave you now with the great words of famous sexologist, Dr. Sue Johanson, “Ohhh, you little stinker!”