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Horoscopes – January 2018

By in Sheaf Horoscopes

Capricorn: You like to be organized. This month, try doing things more impulsively. You’ll be surprised by how humbling it is to be constantly unprepared.

Aquarius: Cleanse your crystals before Jan. 20 to ensure you enter your season with clarity. Not into that? Cleanse your negative fucking outlook, then.

Pisces: The stars say you’re feeling lucky this month, so go ahead and like, share and retweet every damn social media contest that you scroll past. You’re bound to win something, even if you risk losing your online cool factor.

Aries: The new calendar year may have left you feeling unsatisfied and stuck. Don’t worry — it’s just the abysmal global political climate and everincreasing apathy towards social development in our society that’s got you down.

Taurus: You’d really benefit from a new pair of shoes and stepping on down from your high horse this month.

Gemini: No man is an island, ya dig?

Cancer: You’ve been feeling pressure to perform, but don’t let the influence of others cloud your creativity. It’s okay to take time to focus on what you really care about, like your 11th unsuccessful SoundCloud mixtape.

Leo: I hope you brought an extra pair of pants today.

Virgo: To heat things up in the bedroom, it’s a good time to build up your emotional connection with your partner. Single? See what you can do to really get to know your vibrator.

Libra: You’re suited for success in your endeavours this month, so talk to your local Member of the Legislative Assembly about the impending cuts to university funding.

Scorpio: There is no such thing as true altruism.

Sagittarius: Best not commit yourself to anything too serious, at least for a while. The stars aren’t sure what’s to come for you. There’s nothing wrong with being a third-year undeclared arts and science student, after all.

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  • Ophiuchus

    but why

    • Onwards&Upwards

      It boggles me that we are paying an editor to post the equivalent of a monthly Facebook Quiz. It seems a complete waste of time and university funded labour.

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