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Horoscopes – November 2017

By in Sheaf Horoscopes

Aries: If things start heating up in the sack this month, end it. You’ve got money on your mind, and the hustle don’t stop unless you get preoccupied.

Taurus: You will be visited by three ghosts.

Gemini: If you stand in the light of the supermoon on Dec. 3 and windmill your arms like a m***********, you might be able to shoot lightning bolts out of your fingers.

Cancer: Now would be a great time to re-establish a relationship with your estranged parent and disregard other more immediate responsibilities.

Leo: Never accept a wedding invitation from anyone named Chad — Chad does not have your best interests in mind and probably wouldn’t spring for an open bar anyway.

Virgo: Do you ever just stop and think about how you could be, like, murdered?

Libra: Don’t measure your worth by the standards others set for you. Trust your compass.

Scorpio: Home Alone 2 is the best sequel of all time.

Sagittarius: The sun moved into your house on Nov. 22, and it’s never going to fill in the chore spreadsheet.

Capricorn: Vision boards — you’re going to make them trendy again.

Aquarius: This month, you’re going to take 18 different personality tests, which will all tell you that you’re destined for nothing.

Pisces: Honus “The Flying Dutchman” Wagner was also a Pisces.

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